No matter if you’ve just re-entered the dating pool or have spent months (or years!) trying out all the apps, blind dates, and singles retreats you could find, dating after divorce can be an intimidating endeavor. But it doesn’t have to be so scary!
In this article, we’ll talk about a few tips and tricks to make post-divorce dating accessible and—dare we say—enjoyable! No matter your dating goals, personality, or lifestyle, these words of advice will help you become a more confident version of yourself so that you can find the romantic outcome you’re looking for!
Remember there’s no right time to be ready to date again
Some people have gone through the grieving process before their divorce was finalized while others will require months or even years of processing and healing afterwards before they feel ready to date again. There’s no right or wrong length of time, as long as you have adequately gone through the emotional process needed to open yourself up to love with another person.
If you’re not sure whether you are ready, consider some of the following indications that you’re in a good emotional place to date:
- You have the desire to start dating again.
- You’ve considered your role in your past relationship and the ways in which you’d like to show up differently (or the same) in the next one.
- You feel that you can trust a new person.
- You think that, if old feelings are triggered in a new relationship, you’ll be able to navigate them without hurting your new partner.
- You feel that you are dating to enjoy the company of a new partner instead of as a way to deal with loneliness, rejection, or societal pressure to be in a relationship.
If you can’t answer these questions positively before entering the dating scene, the connections that you make could end up making you suffer more or cause unintentional harm to the people you date.
Again, only you will know when you’re ready to start dating again, so don’t listen to recommendations like, “You’ll be ready after half the length of time of your relationship” or “One month of recovery for every year of the marriage.”
Think about your dating goals
When you do feel ready to get back out there, it can be helpful to tap into what you actually want out of this experience. And, because you were previously in a committed, long-term relationship, you might automatically assume that your next relationship should be the same. But, take the time to carefully consider this! You may, for instance, find more personal satisfaction in:
- A polyamorous relationship.
- A short-term casual relationship.
- A hook-up.
- A travel partner situation.
- A sugar relationship.
- A deeply emotional connection without the prospect of marriage.
As with your timeline for when you’ll be ready to date, there’s no right or wrong outcome to want from your dating experience. Many people see dating after divorce as a way to bring fun, excitement, exploration, and physical intimacy back into their lives.
Don’t feel like you have to be an open book
One of the surprising things about being newly single after divorce is that you may feel like your loved ones suddenly feel entitled to know about your romantic life. Maybe they never asked about how your marriage was going, but now they ask you about every first date, what it’s like to be on dating apps, and even what your physical experiences have been like.
Sometimes, of course, it can be nice to decompress and talk through the experience. Indeed, chatting about it with girlfriends can give you the levity you need to keep a positive attitude while dating. But remember that dating after divorce is a deeply personal experience that you don’t have to share with everyone if you don’t want to. Overall, you get to choose which details you share and which ones you keep for yourself.
Decide how much you’ll talk about your divorce with a new partner
Now, you don’t have to feel obligated to talk to people in your life about your dating experiences, but should you tell the people you date about your divorce?
Ultimately, yes, talking to a new partner about your divorce can help you build trust and connection by allowing them to understand more about your past experiences. But how, when, and to what extent you should talk about it will depend on a couple of factors:
- What is the intention of telling a new partner about your divorce? If you’re dating someone casually or without emotional intimacy, it may not actually be necessary to talk about your divorce. On the other hand, if you’re looking to build a strong bond with someone, it will be helpful for them to know that you have been married before.
- How much is necessary to reveal? The details that you share about your divorce should be relevant to your current relationship. For example, if your ex-partner had an extramarital affair, that information might be relevant to explain why trust and open communication are so important to you. But it may not be necessary to talk about all of the small details of how they cheated, how you found out, etc.
- Are you looking for a certain reaction? Reflect on whether you’re telling a new partner about the divorce as a way to gain sympathy or have an excuse to talk badly about your ex. These are not healthy reasons to tell a new partner about your divorce and may indicate that you would benefit from further healing.
Find the people who can support you when dating after divorce
Just because you might want to limit how much you talk about your divorce to new partners doesn’t mean that you should stop talking about your divorce altogether! Indeed, you may need a place to continue working through your healing process, especially as new relationships inevitably trigger old feelings and fears that you may still be holding onto. Here are a few people who can be key to helping you navigate dating after divorce:
- A licensed therapist
- A support group for divorced individuals
- Close friends
- Family
Repeat the mantra: Different people are different people
When dating, you’ll always want to strike the right balance between (one) using your past experiences as a roadmap to healthier decisions and (two) not comparing every new person you meet to people you’ve loved in the past. The saying, “Different people are different people” can help you recognize that even though the wisdom and experience you bring with you are valid, people are unique and deserve the benefit of the doubt—at least at first!
Check in regularly with your joy
If you’re able to tap into the positive aspects of dating, you’ll find that this period after the divorce can be so much more fun, fulfilling, and exciting than you ever expected. But that’s only true if you’re able to actively notice and acknowledge the moments that make you feel joyful in this process. Here are a few things that you might want to focus on:
- The benefit of trying out restaurants, events, or activities that new partners introduce you to.
- The initial thrill of connecting with someone through conversation.
- The feeling of receiving heartfelt compliments.
- The freedom to decide how you spend your free time without a partner.
- The opportunity to explore aspects of physical intimacy that may have been lacking in your past relationships.
- The fact that even awkward moments during a date can feel funny when shared with friends later.
- Your courage for putting yourself out there and being vulnerable.
This is not to say that you should downplay the challenges of dating (and we’ll cover some in the next section), but rather that it can be a good practice to highlight and appreciate the good moments!
Recognize the signs of dating burnout
As we mentioned, dating is not without its challenges, and you’ll want to be able to notice when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed by the process. Here are a few common signs of burnout when dating after divorce:
- You have to talk yourself into every new date.
- You find yourself canceling frequently, sometimes at the last minute.
- You continue to compare new partners to past ones.
- You judge new partners before getting to know them.
- You can’t find any good in any of the people you’re dating or the dates themselves.
When dating starts to be more difficult than enthusiastic for you, it might be time to take a break and focus on other aspects of your life.
If one dating community doesn’t work for you, try another
Maybe you’re experiencing dating burnout but you’re not ready to take a step back. One alternative could be to change your dating pool. This could mean trying a new dating app or changing your filters to match with different types of people on the site.
To be sure, you might not want to completely change your dating preferences or throw your standards out the window. But making a small adjustment, such as switching from one platform to another or adjusting the age range or height preference can be a way to expand your dating options.
Have a full active social life apart from dating
One of the best pieces of advice that we can leave you with is that you should spend more time after your divorce focusing on building a full, satisfying life. There are many benefits to this change in perspective, including:
- The chance to meet someone romantically in an unexpected setting. When you join a cycling club, wine-tasting group, or art community, you might just find your next partner without even trying! This kind of organic relationship-building is great because you’ll have a shared hobby built in and you can explore a friendship before taking things to the next level.
- The ability to bounce back more quickly after an unsuccessful date or connection. The ups and downs of dating are so much easier to navigate when you have other activities in your life. This isn’t to say that you should keep yourself so busy that you never have time to process the uncomfortable moments of dating after divorce. But it can be better to fill your time with hobbies that you love rather than sitting at home overthinking about your dating life.
- The acknowledgment that your life is much more than your romantic partner. On a related note, having a life that is fulfilling and purposeful can take the pressure off finding a partner. This perspective can slow down the dating process and help you make more sound decisions.
- An expansion of your support network. In the past, you might have looked to your spouse for emotional support, and it makes sense that you may be tempted to look for a romantic partner to fill that role. But actually, during the early part of the dating process, you’ll want to look to other people in your life. So, it can be a good idea to prioritize your other relationships, especially if you find yourself particularly vulnerable and sensitive right now.
Dating after divorce doesn’t have to be scary!
It is completely normal to feel scared and intimidated at the idea of being single again after separating from your spouse. But as many divorced folks will tell you, this is just another chapter of your life that’s getting started! By implementing these tips for healthy dating after divorce, you might just be entering a more fulfilling and fun phase than you ever thought possible!