Dating with confidence after 40 can feel like a daunting task. After all, how are you supposed to feel about being judged on a dating app? How can you be sure that your previous experiences won’t negatively impact your future connections? And how can you stay true to yourself in the current dating landscape that can feel foreign and unfamiliar?
If it helps, you’re surely not the only person asking these questions! Many men in their 40s are looking for practical tips for maintaining healthy self-esteem, feeling enthusiastic about dates, and meeting quality matches. In this article, we’ve got a list that can help you feel more in control of your dating life!
Let’s dive right in!
1: Think about what confidence means to you
Maybe you’ve been feeling unconfident or insecure while dating in your 40s, and you’re not sure where to begin to build your self-esteem. One of the first things you can do is think about what the most confident version of yourself might look like.
To be sure, this will look different for everyone. But here are a few options that might get you started thinking about this for yourself:
- Self-acceptance
- Being secure with yourself, even with the rejection that can come with dating.
- Feeling comfortable talking about your needs.
- Exploring your sexuality.
- Not accepting certain behaviors from a partner.
- Maintaining your independence when dating someone instead of molding your life to fit theirs.
- Being able to care for your partner’s safety and well-being.
Now, we’re not going to say that confidence means being able to achieve every item on the list. Instead, you can think of these as goals to work towards on your journey to become more confident.
2: Set dating goals
Along with defining confidence for yourself, it’s also a good idea to set some dating goals. Trust us, it’s not a good look to show up on an online dating platform with terms like “still figuring things out” or “not sure what I’m looking for.”
Instead, confidence in dating looks like being clear about what kind of relationship is most appealing to you. And, there are a lot of different dating goals that you can set, for instance:
- A traditional committed relationship
- A casual friends-with-benefits situation
- A sugar relationship
- Polyamory
- An age-gap relationship
As you can see, there’s no shame in articulating the kind of dating style you want to explore. By naming your preferences, you’ll have an easier time finding your community, making connections with like-minded people, and feeling more confident in yourself!
3: Don’t be afraid of online dating
Maybe this will be your first time entering the world of online dating. And there’s probably a bit of trepidation that comes with that! But the truth is, online platforms can open up so many opportunities that you wouldn’t have had otherwise. So, don’t shy away from it!
The key is to find a platform that works for you. And again, this is where having clear dating goals comes in handy! Because once you know what kind of relationship you’re after, you can sign up for the platform that caters to your preferences. Casual hook-ups, for instance, are popular on platforms like Tinder or Grindr. Websites like SugarDaddy.com specialize in sugar relationships. Feeld is great for polyamory. And so on.
4: Learn how to take better selfies
One common thing that women tend to complain about men on dating apps is that they don’t know how to take a good, confident selfie. And the truth is, this can lead to many profiles looking indistinguishable from one another or simply uninteresting.
Of course, your profile picture isn’t everything. But it is the first impression that you’re going to make on potential matches. So, you want it to be unique, authentic, and captivating. Here’s how:
- Use natural lighting. This will soften your features and create a more flattering effect.
- Get some distance. You may be tempted to take pictures of yourself in your car or in front of the bathroom mirror at home. But the problem with this (other than being generic) is that the camera ends up being way too close, capturing every little imperfection and slightly disfiguring the shape of your face. Instead, you want to use the full extension of your arm or, better yet, get a selfie stick.
- Look up. A slightly upward angle will open and elongate your features, broaden your shoulders and catch the light in your eyes—all key elements in a good selfie!
- Take lots and lots of pictures. As a man over 40, we can bet that the last thing you want to do is spend your free time taking selfie after selfie until you get it right. We’ve got some bad news for you: you have to do it if you ever want to look comfortable in front of the camera. So, do whatever you have to do to relax: put on a TV show in the background, play your favorite music, imagine you’re an actor. But, you need to take a lot of pictures in order to get better at it.
5: Focus on your strengths
We’re, of course, thinking about this in terms of your online dating bio. However, we also want you to focus more on your strengths as a general practice. That’s because shifting your mindset towards a more self-validating and supportive perspective will give you more confidence. And writing your bio is a good opportunity to start considering what your strengths are so that you can continue to build yourself up even after your bio is written.
Here are a few questions to get comfortable with identifying your own strengths:
- What is your proudest accomplishment?
- How would your closest friends describe you?
- What kind of a coworker are you?
- What are your strengths as a romantic partner?
- When do you feel most confident?
- What does your home say about your personality?
- What challenges have you faced and overcome in your lifetime?
- Do you feel that you take feedback well?
- Do you have any hidden talents?
Pay close attention to the voice in your head as you go through these questions. Remember, there’s no shame in celebrating your wins and strengths. So, if a critical voice is coming up as you think about your answers, see if you can quiet it down and think about yourself in a purely positive way.
6: Be particular about the people you surround yourself with
Confidence after 40 can mean stepping away from relationships that don’t make you feel supported. These might be lifelong friends who you’ve realized have a negative impact on your mood or mental health. It might be family members who you feel are taking advantage of you and guilting you into doing certain favors.
The risk is that these people can drain your energy and work against your journey towards building confidence. Even if you don’t cut them out of your life completely, it’s a good idea to take a step back and put boundaries in place to protect your peace.
Of course, this can be scary if you buy into the belief that it’s impossible to make new friends the older you get. And yes, the truth is, you may have to spend some time meeting new people in order to start building a social network that boosts your confidence. But it’s worth the extra effort.
7: Find an exercise plan that works for you
You don’t have to be a bodybuilder in order to find a romantic partner after 40. You also don’t have to sign up for triathlons or mountain climbing expeditions. Unless, of course, you enjoy those things!
The key, in other words, is to find an exercise plan that brings you joy and works for your level of health and fitness. Not only will the brain chemicals released with exercise make you feel better in general, but building a positive connection to your body will make it easier to take selfies and show up confidently to dates.
8: Have the confidence to not know everything
There are elements of today’s dating world that might not have existed the last time you were looking for love. Things like openness to non-traditional sexual identities and genders, polyamory, sugar dating, and other things that used to be taboo may leave you feeling totally out of your depth.
The thing is, some of the most confident men are the ones who can admit when they don’t know something, have made a mistake, or are learning something new.
So, consider how you may react when you’re faced with uncertainty or discomfort. If you’re operating from a place of insecurity, you’re likely to shut down other people’s opinions and cling stubbornly to your worldview. But, if you’re confident in yourself and your beliefs, you’ll be able to hear other perspectives with an open mind and consider whether your own opinions could use some molding.
Maybe this feels silly to you when thinking of finding a romantic partner. But the fact is, whether you’re looking to date someone in your own age range or younger, you’ll be able to connect with potential partners much more easily if you learn to listen and respect opinions different from your own!
9: Stop unhelpful beliefs in their tracks
Earlier, we mentioned the importance of quieting the critical voice in your head. And it’s worth taking a closer look at this in order to build confidence. Overall, your own limiting beliefs could be the thing preventing you from growing as a person and enjoying yourself and your life. So, it’s important to identify them and challenge them for yourself.
Your own limiting beliefs will be unique to you, but there are a few common ones for men over 40:
- “I’m too old to change my ways”
- “I’m too old to get in shape”
- “If I’m not rich, I won’t find a partner”
- “Women are attracted to arrogant/aggressive/indifferent men”
- “I just can’t learn the new technology.”
- “It’s too late for me to change careers/ learn a new skill”
If you think of these beliefs as fact, you’ll close yourself off to change and growth. So consider which ones you may be holding onto and see if you can let them go.
10: Stay optimistic and open
Dating at any age comes with ups and downs. You have to put yourself out there, meet new people, navigate potentially awkward situations, and deal with rejection. And this can all feel a lot more difficult when you’re trying to boost your self-confidence and stay optimistic. Here are a few tips that can make dating easier and more enjoyable:
- Lower your expectations. This is not to say that you should settle for someone who treats you poorly. Instead, we mean that you should take the pressure off of “finding the one” every time you meet someone new. Instead, accept the fact that some dates can exist as an enjoyable night out, a chance to learn a new perspective, or even an example of what you don’t want in a relationship. It doesn’t have to be some life-changing experience.
- Be an active participant in your dating life. Often, women complain about men not asking enough questions on a first date or being lukewarm about planning dates in general. And, this can sometimes come from a place of insecurity (i.e., trying to appear indifferent or hard-to-get.) Instead, the more active you are in engaging with this person, the more you’ll get out of your time with them.
- Understand that it’s not always about you. When you’re feeling tired of being rejected, keep in mind that it’s often not about you. In fact, if you’re confident that you treated this person kindly and respectfully, it’s possible that their own limitations or past experiences are preventing them from moving forward.
- Even if it is about you, that’s okay, too. To be sure, sometimes you’ll get rejected because a potential partner didn’t feel a connection to you. And that’s a harder pill to swallow. But accepting that not everyone is going to like you is liberating. And it will get easier as you work on your self-confidence.
- Take breaks. People love to say that dating “is a numbers game,” but that doesn’t mean that you have to date to the point of burnout. If you feel that your confidence is taking hit after hit and you have less patience and energy for dating, take a break. Focus on other fulfilling aspects of your life and come back when you’re feeling strong.
Where will you start with rebuilding confidence after 40?
Working on yourself isn’t the easiest process. But with some small changes, positive self-talk, and a healthy attitude towards dating, you’re well on your way to boosting your confidence after 40 and finding a partner who can make you happy!