Working on your midlife communication skills is something that can open you up to deeper, more satisfying relationships with everyone in your life. And that includes your relationship with yourself! Of course, many people hesitate to focus on this aspect of themselves because it can be vulnerable and uncomfortable. What’s more, becoming a better communicator also takes effort and practice. But once you start to see the positive impact that this skill can have on your life, you’ll be glad you put in the work!
In this article, we’ll talk about what it takes to get better at communicating and the small changes that you can make in your daily life to build a practice of intentionality and self-awareness. You’ll be so glad that you started this process to improve your midlife communication skills when you start to see the benefits in your close relationships!
Take stock of what’s been keeping you from communicating well
Once you’ve reached 40, you might believe that you simply “are the way you are,” and there’s no changing your personality. But this is actually a huge barrier to improving your communication! In reality, this is a wonderful moment in your life to think about how your past experiences might have prevented you from being a good communicator and making more intentional decisions moving forward.
Everyone has their own set of experiences that have limited their ability to express themselves fully, but here are a few common ones:
- Fear of confrontation. You might be the kind of person who would rather keep the peace than stir up trouble. But actually, not talking about what’s bothering you can make problems worse down the line.
- Fear of becoming a burden. Another common experience for people in their 40s and 50s is a fear of troubling other people with their emotions. This can lead to you feeling isolated and misunderstood.
- Past instances of gaslighting. Many people find that it’s difficult to communicate if they’ve previously been emotionally manipulated into thinking that their perspective or opinions are invalid.
- Family dynamics. You might come from a family that never talked openly, which gave you the impression that it’s best to keep your thoughts to yourself. Or, maybe your family was overly honest in a way that wasn’t kind or helpful, and you’ve adopted some of those habits as well.
- Personal beliefs. These can range from expectations that your partner should just know what you’re thinking to assumptions that everyone has the same opinion about a certain topic to the belief that radical honesty is the best form of communication. It can be helpful to take a neutral look at what your personal beliefs are around communication and how they might have helped or hindered you in your relationships.
Although it may seem counterintuitive, focusing on yourself is a great starting point for getting better at communicating with others. So, take your time on this step to understand how you communicate and why.
Become a better listener
The next step in improving your communication skills is learning how to listen. And yes, you might be thinking: I’ve been listening my whole life, when will it be time to start speaking? But, we would challenge you to think about whether you’ve spent your life listening to respond or listening to absorb.
Here’s what we mean. When you listen to respond, you’re often trying to pick out parts of what the other person is saying so that you can win an argument or share a story of your own. And this isn’t always done intentionally, but it can lead to you missing or dismissing what the other person is actually saying.
Listening to absorb, on the other hand, means taking in the information that is presented to you without immediate judgment. This gives you more time to focus on what is being said instead of your mind jumping ahead to your response.
You might think that listening in this way can lead to awkward pauses or breaks in the flow of conversation. But there are some ways to counter that, such as:
- Saying, “I want to take in what you’re saying before I respond”
- Using body language to convey that you’re listening and processing. This can include nodding, reaching for their hand, or making an affirmative sound
- Asking clarifying questions. Saying something like, “What I’m hearing you say is…” or “Would it be fair to say that you’re telling me…”
To be sure, active listening will slow down your conversations somewhat. And that can be a good thing! Giving yourself time to absorb and digest what someone is saying before responding will make your communication more intentional and less reactive.
Ask questions instead of making assumptions
No matter how well you might know someone, you don’t know what exactly is going on in their head. And this can lead to gaps in communication, in which your brain assumes that it can guess what the other person is thinking.
The very simple, and at the same time difficult, solution is to ask instead of assume. And there are specific questions that can lead to more meaningful conversations, such as:
- Are you looking for advice, my opinion, or just a listening ear?
- What is the core issue here for you?
- What has this been like for you?
- How are you feeling about this?
- Where do you think that we differ or agree on this?
- Is there something that you’re holding back because you’re worried about my reaction?
Use “I” statements
Of course, conversations are two-way streets, so you won’t only be listening and asking questions. That being said, the way that you present your ideas and opinions is crucial to effective communication.
One way that you can introduce your point of view is with “I” statements. These look like:
- I feel…
- I thought…
- My assumption was…
- The way I understood it was…
- I interpreted that as…
- My fear is…
- I’m frustrated by…
The benefit of “I” statements is that they reduce the likelihood that the person you’re talking to will feel accused or attacked. Indeed, consider how differently you might receive a statement such as “You’re a reckless driver” and “I feel nervous and unsafe when you use your phone while driving.” As you can see, “I” statements won’t magically resolve conflicts, but they are much more likely to facilitate respectful and open conversation than accusations.
Be your own ally
For some people, the difficulty in communicating effectively is feeling like your opinion or desires don’t matter as much as the people around you. While this can be a more subtle form of ineffective communication (as opposed to combative communication or steamrolling), it can still prevent you from fully expressing yourself and your needs.
So, if this is what is keeping you from being a good communicator, consider thinking about what a close ally would say on your behalf. This might be your best friend, a parent, your favorite aunt, or even hired legal counsel. How would this person stand up for you when you’re feeling too shy or intimidated to speak up for yourself? By channeling this perspective, you can feel more empowered to say what’s on your mind.
For very difficult conversations, practice ahead of time
If heavy or serious conversations make you feel paralyzed in the moment, you’re not alone. This is a common experience that can prevent you from being able to say what you need to or absorb what another person is trying to share with you.
Rehearsing or preparing beforehand can be a helpful way to feel more in control of your emotions when it’s time to have tough conversations. In particular, you can think about:
- What points would you like to get across?
- What fears are creating a sense of anxiousness for you?
- How you might react to certain responses.
- What would your threshold be for ending the conversation?
This is a psychology-backed exercise called visualization and has been shown to help lower anxiety and work through phobias and task paralysis. That being said, the idea is not to think yourself into a stressful frenzy that makes you feel worse. Instead, it’s a way to create something like a game plan for stressful situations when you are in a state of calm. That way, when the stressful situation does arise, you’ll feel more prepared.
Learn to take breaks
Even people who are emotionally intelligent and effective communicators can benefit from taking breaks when talking through issues or heavy topics. Indeed, taking breaks during a conversation can offer the following benefits:
- The chance to diffuse strong emotions. Struggling to communicate effectively can be distressing, which leads to high emotions and mental blocks. Taking breaks can ensure that you’re not allowing frustration and other negative feelings to drive the conversation.
- Time to digest and reflect on what has been said. Some things take time to sink in and understand, which is why breaks during a conversation can give you time to process.
- A release from the pressure to fix everything in the moment. Effective communication doesn’t mean that you and the people in your life will be able to fix every conflict or disagreement quickly. In fact, letting go of this misbelief can allow you to give adequate time for healthy resolutions.
- An opportunity for levity, relaxation, or focusing on other things. Whether you’re arguing with a coworker about their workplace habits or are in conflict with a partner, taking breaks can mean that you’re still able to tend to daily responsibilities without the argument bringing everything to a halt. You might even find that you’re able to be cordial, friendly, fun, or loving during these breaks, which is a good sign that your communication skills are improving!
Don’t be hard on yourself when things don’t go right
Improving your communication skills is a process, and you might continue to struggle for months and even years before you feel like you’re fully able to put your thoughts into words. Even then, certain people may challenge you with their own shortcomings in communication.
Remember that the fact that you’re actively working towards better communication at this stage of your life is honorable and positive. So, don’t feel defeated if every conversation doesn’t go your way or you sometimes still struggle to stay calm when talking about difficult subjects.
Keep working on your self-awareness
You’ve probably noticed that working on your midlife communication skills naturally invites you to be more self-aware. We’ve already talked, for instance, about the importance of taking stock of your own shortcomings when it comes to communication and addressing how your assumptions might be getting in the way of your listening abilities.
But how can you continue to foster the kind of self-awareness that will make you an even better communicator? Here are a few options:
- Journaling. You can use your journal to practice visualization or explore your perspective to make it easier to verbalize your inner world.
- Reading content from philosophers and leaders you admire. There are so many people in the public eye who are excellent communicators and have wisdom that you can learn from.
- Working with a licensed therapist. Talk therapy can be a great way to build midlife communication skills and practice conversations that you might have with loved ones or colleagues.
- Joining a support group. Again, settings in which you’re invited to express yourself in a safe environment will make communication feel more comfortable for you.
- Turning to those who know you best. Your trusted friends or family members can help you work through conflicts or experiences that you’re having trouble expressing.
- Exploring other creative outlets. Artistic endeavors such as painting, interpretive dance, poetry, pottery, and other creative projects can help you conceptualize your feelings and express yourself in new ways.
How are you feeling about your midlife communication skills?
Do you feel ready to start implementing changes that will help you to better connect with your loved ones, colleagues, or larger community? We’re excited to see what you will take away from these steps for improving your midlife communication skills!