Choosing a compatible partner after 40 can feel like a difficult task. You might be trying to break old patterns or find someone who will fit seamlessly into your already satisfying life. Or, you might be worried about having your heart broken by someone who is careless or has bad intentions.
These are such common barriers to dating for men over 40! And the good news is, with some clarity and intention, you can start taking charge of your dating life again. In this article, we’ll cover some key areas that you can focus on to elevate your dating experience and meet compatible partners.
Phase one: Introspection
As we mentioned, finding compatible partners will require some clarity. And one of the best things that you can do is to take a look at yourself and your life to find out what kind of partner will be ideal for you. Here are a few areas to zoom in on:
Personal values
You’ve certainly heard the phrase “opposites attract,” and that can be true for some couples. But in the majority of successful long-term partnerships, shared values are a key component of their connection and commitment. Some personal values may include:
- The importance of family: relationships with children, parents, shared family activities, etc.
- Trust and honesty
- Fairness and accountability
- Political, moral, or religious values
- Independence versus togetherness with a romantic partner
- The importance of personal belongings, including everything from owning a home to small items that carry emotional value
- Openness to new experiences: travel, trying new foods, learning about other cultures, etc.
- Emotional and physical intimacy
Your goal at this moment is to carefully consider what your own personal values look like in each of these categories. That's because the more self-aware you can be about your own values, the easier it will be to identify shared values in a potential partner. You’ll also get an idea of which values are non-negotiable (i.e. “I could never date someone who doesn’t align with me on ____”) and which ones are more flexible (i.e. “We don’t have to agree on ____”).
Lifestyle
Ideally, you’ll want someone who can be a good addition to your lifestyle instead of forcing you to give up your routine or make drastic changes. So, ask yourself the following questions:
- What about my current routine is non-negotiable or unchanging?
- What are the parts of my lifestyle (exercise, time with friends, alone time, etc.) that are most important for my happiness?
- How much free time do I have to dedicate to a partner?
- Am I more of a night owl or early bird? Is this at all flexible?
- Is my routine more or less set, or does it change from week to week?
- Do I like to plan things far in advance or go with the flow?
The early stages of dating someone are all about negotiating how you might fit into one another’s schedule, so it’s helpful to get a sense of what parts of your lifestyle are flexible and others that you’d rather not change.
Communication style
Most of us were never taught how to communicate with a partner, so you may not even know what your style of communication is! Here are a few questions that can help you learn more about how you express yourself:
- Do you tend to share your opinion freely or wait until you’re asked?
- When problems arise, would you rather talk about them in the moment or have time to mull it over on your own?
- When it comes to feedback, do you think it’s better to tell people without beating around the bush or be mindful about their feelings?
- In general, do you enjoy small talk or conversations about daily life? Or do you prefer silence?
- How comfortable are you talking about your feelings and past experiences?
The goal here is not to put value judgments on your communication style, but rather to get a better understanding of how you communicate with a partner. This will ensure that you’re able to seek out partners who complement your communication style. It can also potentially bring your attention to some things that you may want to change about the way that you interact with your partner.
Spending habits
Your values around money and spending are an important area to consider when looking for a romantic partner. After all, money is one of the most common things that couples fight about, so it’s a good idea to be clear about what role your spending habits play in your own life. Some questions to ask yourself could be:
- What values did your family instill in you around money when you were growing up?
- Do you feel financially comfortable? Or are you striving towards more financial stability or upward mobility?
- How do you feel about so-called frivolous spending? Do you think that it’s okay to treat yourself, or do you prefer to save?
- What are your long-term financial goals? And how do your current spending habits work towards that?
- Do you show your affection for a partner by spending money on them?
Other values that are important to you
Clearly, there’s a lot of self-reflection that you can do to prepare yourself for connecting with a partner. And while we’ve provided a few of the most common, you can also think about other key components of your identity, such as culture, hobbies, and your relationship to health and wellness.
Overall, the more you can look inward and get to know who you are as a person, the easier it will be to find someone who is compatible!
Phase two: Getting out there
Now that you’ve done some thinking about who you are as a person, it’s time to find a good match! Here are some tips for finding a compatible partner after 40.
Choose the right online dating platform
Many men over 40 feel intimidated or put off by the idea of online dating. But the truth is, this is the best way to break into the modern dating scene! And, the beauty of going online in this current era is that there are so many different platforms that cater to a range of dating styles. Take a look:
- Short-term or non-committal hook-ups. Dating apps like Tinder, Grindr, and Ashley Madison are all well-known for being focused on physical connection and short-term dating.
- Long-term traditional relationships. This is a huge sector of the online dating world, and each dating app is slightly different. Bumble, for instance, allows women to make the first move, whereas Raya has a reputation for being exclusive for people with wealth or fame.
- Sugar relationships. Dating apps dedicated to sugaring are becoming more popular, with options for traditional SB/SD relationships, friends with benefits, platonic connections, and more. Sugar Daddy has one of the biggest user bases and caters to a wide range of relationship styles!
- Polyamorous or open relationship dating. Many people are exploring relationships that break away from traditional monogamy, and apps such as Feeld are great for polyamory or relationship anarchy.
As you can see, there are many options here! But, don’t just sign up for the first dating app that comes on your radar. Instead, take the time to think carefully about what kind of relationship you’re looking for so that you’ll have the best chance of finding someone compatible.
Make sure your bio reflects what you’re looking for
Once you’ve found the online platform that is most aligned with your dating goals, it will be time to present yourself in a way that attracts the kind of people you’re looking for! Make sure that your bio highlights some key facts about yourself by including:
- A clear statement about what kind of relationship you want. You may be tempted to leave this part vague as a way to attract more options, but we would recommend against this! After all, you’re looking for quality matches, which is more important than quantity. So, make your time online more efficient by clearly stating what kind of relationship you want.
- A brief description about what makes you unique. As a man over 40, you might find it difficult to talk about yourself! So, consider how a close friend or loved one might describe you. This is your chance to highlight your hobbies, things that are important to you, and some characteristics that your ideal partner would be attracted to.
- Keywords that the algorithm can use to match you with like-minded people. Using keywords in a dating profile might seem strange, but it can make your profile more efficient! For example, terms like “likes to travel”, “active”, or “artist” can be identified and used by a dating platform's algorithm to connect you to people with a similar bio.
Spend time in places where you’re likely to meet like-minded people
Creating an online dating profile is one of the best ways to find a compatible partner after 40. But that doesn’t mean that you have to give up on looking for love in your everyday life, as well! In particular, spending time doing activities that you enjoy or are curious about is likely to connect you to potential partners and expand your social network.
Not sure where to begin? Consider the following ideas for spending more time with like-minded people:
- Join a co-ed team sport. There are so many options to choose from depending on your level of athleticism and competitiveness. Some examples include soccer, flag football, badminton, pickleball, volleyball, running, and more. Group classes at your local gym are another way to build community with other active people!
- Take on a leadership position for a cause you’re passionate about. Whether you run for city council, become a board member for a non-profit, or organize a volunteer group in your area, this will put you into contact with many people while giving you a sense of community and purpose!
- Try an art class. If you’ve ever been curious about exploring your creative side, this is an excellent time to sign up for a group workshop. Whatever medium you choose will open you up to a whole new world of other artists, art lovers, and maybe even gallery owners and curators.
Be open to making connections in person
We’ll be honest: if you’re looking to expand your dating prospects, it’s not actually enough to simply make your life more social. Instead, you need to be ready to interact with new people, find sparks, and be bold about taking the next step with someone who interests you. Here are a few ways to do that:
- Don’t keep to yourself. Joining a social group is about meeting people, so don’t miss out on opportunities by standing off to the side and not talking to anyone!
- Remember people’s names. It’s such a small detail, but it sticks in people’s brains when you remember their name. Don’t forget that even if it’s not someone you’re directly interested in, they might have a friend or family member they can introduce you to later on.
- Be genuinely interested in people. Friendliness and genuine interest should always precede flirting.
- Read the signs. As you start building an initial connection with someone, there will be signs as to whether this person is interested in romance or friendship. Learn how to tune into these signs so that you can avoid making anyone uncomfortable.
- Offer a no-pressure invitation for connection. Maybe you met someone you like at a one-day workshop and you’d like to see them again. Giving them your phone number or email can be a good way to show your interest without coming off as overbearing.
Phase three: Assessing compatibility
At this point, you’ve gone through two key steps towards finding a compatible partner after 40: self-reflection and meeting the right people. Now, your goal will be to use your first interactions with a new partner to gauge compatibility.
Seems simple enough, but often, high emotions and excitement about meeting a new person can cloud your judgment and make it difficult to spot signs that you’re not a good match. So, it can be helpful to have a framework to consider the situation logically. Here are a few areas to focus on.
Chemistry and attraction
The first sign that you’ll be able to build a bond with someone is whether there’s chemistry and attraction between the two of you. After all, this person could be perfect for you on paper, but if you feel awkward, disconnected, or overly nervous around them, it will be difficult for you to move forward.
That being said, it’s normal to feel some awkwardness and shyness at the beginning. But, after a while, the two of you should be able to loosen up and feel more comfortable together. If this doesn’t happen, there’s a good chance that you’re not compatible.
Ability to talk about difficult topics and resolve conflict
Even if you’ve realized that vulnerability and openness are not your normal communication style, true compatibility will mean that you feel comfortable opening up to a partner about emotional topics (and vice versa). This can look like:
- Knowing that you can talk to your partner without feeling judged or criticized.
- Not shying away from certain topics because you’re worried that it will lead to an argument.
- Not feeling tempted to keep secrets to avoid certain uncomfortable conversations.
And if disagreements or arguments do arise, you should feel comfortable being able to talk through conflicts with respect and empathy on both sides.
Quality Time
Another reason why it’s so important to reflect on your own lifestyle is that you’ll want to find a partner with similar ideas on how to spend quality time. And, this doesn’t mean that you and your partner need to have exactly the same hobbies or activities. But you should be able to agree on how you’d like to spend time together, whether it be going out, trying new things, traveling, or enjoying quiet time at home.
Reassurance
One sign that you may not be entirely compatible with someone is if you experience a frequent state of uncertainty, doubt, or confusion about your feelings or your relationship.
In contrast, in a healthy, stable relationship, compatibility in this area will look like:
- Verbal or non-verbal reassurance
- Trust and honesty
- Reliability and consistency
To be sure, this doesn’t mean that your relationship has to be void of whimsy or novelty. But rather that you shouldn’t find yourself in a constant state of anxiety wondering whether this is the right person or relationship for you.
Future planning
Another way to identify compatibility with a partner is noticing how it feels to talk about the future with them. In other words, are you aligned when it comes to what you see for your relationship a few months from now? A year? Five years? Does that include making things exclusive? Getting married or starting a family?
Or, on the other hand, you might be aligned with not wanting to plan things too far into the future. In this scenario, being compatible can also mean that you’re on the same page with taking the relationship one day at a time and not putting undue pressure on what the future holds for you.
In other words, compatibility around future planning doesn’t mean that you have to have a specific vision for the development of your relationship, but rather, that you and your partner don’t have radically different expectations or desires for the future. As you can see, honesty is incredibly important here, so that no one ends up feeling deceived or strung along.
Support and acceptance
Finally, true compatibility with a partner should look like genuine acceptance and support of one another. This can take the form of:
- Feeling invested in the success of the other person.
- Encouraging the other person to pursue what makes them happy and fulfilled.
- Not trying to change the other person.
- Helping the other person reach their goals through moral or practical support.
- Being proud of the other person.
- Enjoying the other person’s personality, quirks, and uniqueness.
There are many ways that support and acceptance can manifest in a healthy, compatible relationship. But in general, it will give you and your partner a sense of being fully understood, appreciated, and validated.
Don’t lose hope for finding a compatible partner after 40!
There is absolutely no reason to believe that you can’t find a wonderful partner once you’ve turned 40. In fact, this is an ideal time of life to find your perfect match! With some self-awareness, intention, and bravery, you’ll have no trouble finding a compatible partner after 40!