The tendency of serial cheaters to want to stay married instead of freeing themselves up to enjoy the single lifestyle has many people stumped. But, as research into infidelity reveals, there are quite a few psychological, emotional, and social reasons to explain it.
In this article, we’ll take a look into the most common reasons why serial cheaters hesitate to throw in the wedding ring and whether they can really change.
Unplanned Infidelity: Giving In to Temptation
One possible explanation for someone wanting to stay married despite having had an affair is that they didn’t plan it ahead of time.
In other words, these instances of infidelity didn’t develop from sustained unhappiness in the marriage or plotting to cheat. Instead, the opportunity to have an affair presented itself, and they decided to pursue it. This allows the cheater to rationalize their behavior as separate from the marriage and unlikely to happen again. One study found that this might be true for up to 60% of men who have admitted to cheating on their spouse.
To be sure, even though they may claim that they had no intention of cheating on their spouse, it’s possible that serial cheaters put themselves into situations in which they are more likely to be presented with these opportunities. For instance, they may engage in the following behavior:
- A lack of boundaries with colleagues and friends. This could include sharing hotel rooms on business trips, inviting friends over at inappropriate times, etc.
- Visits to places where they may be more likely to meet singles, such as bars or parties.
- Attending or organizing “boys trips” or “girls trips” that revolve around partying.
Low Self-Esteem and the Need for Validation
Some serial cheaters suffer from low self-esteem. And, instead of dealing with their self-confidence issues through healthy avenues, such as therapy, finding community through sports, or volunteering in the community, they seek out quick-fix experiences to make themselves feel better.
There are a variety of reasons why a person may struggle with self-esteem, including:
- Dissatisfaction or stagnation at work.
- Being laid off.
- Dealing with addiction.
- Having been cheated on in the past.
- Body image issues.
- Fertility issues.
- Economic stressors.
- Alienation from friends.
- Physical health problems.
- Feeling insecure as a marriage partner.
- Mental health problems.
These factors can make someone feel powerless and unlovable. And even if they have a spouse who cares for them, they may find the ego boost of a new sexual partner more compelling than the support of a spouse.
In fact, someone with low self-confidence may feel more empowered to pursue novel experiences because they have a seemingly secure, predictable routine to come home to. Even though their actions may result in losing their stable base, they are drawn to the external validation that they get from new partners.
Impulsivity and Attitudes Toward Infidelity
People with high impulse control may wonder how someone could cheat on their spouse. Don’t they consider the consequences? Aren’t they worried about the fallout and hurting their partner? What will they do when their marriage ends because of their cheating?
According to a 2018 study on infidelity, people without impulse control don’t think about the consequences of their actions, and are therefore more likely to cheat on their spouse. Interestingly, no matter whether a participant’s impulsivity could be characterized as “functional,” as in being helpful in making split-second decisions at work, or “dysfunction,” as in making inappropriate remarks, the tendency to act without considering the outcome was significantly related to risk for adultery.
Perhaps not surprisingly, people who rank high in impulsivity also tend to be thrill-seekers. When presented with a questionnaire designed to gauge their likelihood of novelty-seeking, participants with high impulsivity often say yes to questions such as, “Most of the time, I would prefer to do something a little risky (like riding in a fast automobile over steep hills and sharp turns).”
To be sure, not everyone who is adventurous and bold is going to cheat on their spouse. However, these characteristics increase the risk of infidelity, especially when coupled with other factors like marriage dissatisfaction.
Skill in Seduction and Perceptions of Monogamy
The fact is, there are some people who feel empowered by their ability to seduce others. They may see flirting, courtship, and the consummation of an affair as a personal achievement. And, they may even set goals for themselves as a competitive challenge to see how many people they can seduce.
This kind of attitude may seem egregious to many, but there’s certainly a community of like-minded individuals who engage in this lifestyle. After all, there are multiple books published on the subject, such as How to Pick up Girls! by Eric Weber, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Niel Strauss, and The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. There have also been various films and television shows on the topic, such as The Pick-Up Artist on VH1. The underlying theme is that heterosexual men, specifically, aren’t geared towards monogamy, but will instead find satisfaction by sleeping with as many women as possible.
Of course, most of the books, movies, and lectures on seduction tactics don’t actively advocate cheating on a spouse. Rather, they glorify the practice of seduction as a form of self-empowerment and high social status. However, critiques of this attitude towards seduction have argued that the practice itself is objectifying and manipulative.
Narcissism and the Need for Admiration
Earlier, we explored how low self-esteem can contribute to the cheating risk factor. But as it turns out, having an inflated sense of self can also be a recipe for infidelity! This is the case in narcissistic personality types.
Narcissists are people who perceive the world with themselves at an exalted central position. They are confident, manipulative, highly social, and often struggle to develop a sense of morality or empathy. And their actions tend to reflect the belief that their emotions and desires are more important than anything else, even if they end up hurting those closest to them. According to a 2021 study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, narcissists also tend to rank high on impulsivity scores that increase the likelihood of them making bad decisions.
It’s easy to see why, then, a narcissist would feel comfortable cheating. After all, they don’t consider the harm that they would cause or internalize feelings of guilt. Instead, they are focused on the admiration and validation they feel from the affair itself.
Even when their serial cheating behaviors come to light, a narcissist often will opt to stay in the marriage in order to preserve their self-image.
Trauma and Attachment Issues
One might argue that there’s no good reason for cheating, but an explanation that may garner a bit more sympathy is that of past trauma and attachment issues. This is generally the result of a mental health crisis that has affected a person’s ability to maintain emotional intimacy and monogamy in adulthood. They may have grown up in an unstable household or experienced abuse in previous relationships which prevent them from developing a secure attachment style. Because of the detrimental effects of these negative past experiences on their neurobiology, people in this category struggle to make logical decisions in their current relationships.
The effects are often self-sabotage behaviors such as cheating, picking fights, avoidance, and other destructive patterns that allow the affected person to recreate the kind of toxic relationships that are psychologically familiar to them.
Cheating in this context is often rooted in a sense of unworthiness. The person dealing with an unhealthy attachment style may cheat as a way to reinforce their own sense of self as broken or bad. They may also be subconsciously choosing to end the relationship on their terms instead of making themselves vulnerable through fidelity.
Serial cheaters who fall into this category may have a sincere desire to stay in and repair the marriage. But, without proper professional help, they tend to repeat old habits.
Inconsistency in Other Life Areas
As we’ve established, serial cheaters are often people who score high in impulsivity, novelty-seeking, avoidance of accountability, and need for validation. And, as you can probably guess, that can create a lifestyle that is in constant flux.
On the one hand, impulsivity can lead to brash, poorly thought-out decision-making that can result in frequent changes in employment and social groups. Their thrill-seeking tendencies can prompt people with this personality type to pursue new hobbies regularly and sometimes engage in risky activities that can put them in danger of bodily harm.
A serial cheater who scores high in narcissism may have a widely-cast network of friends and acquaintances but will likely struggle to form long-lasting, deep connections. After all, many people grow tired of the manipulation tactics and self-centered nature of narcissists. And this can mean that they are constantly seeking out new friendships.
Given this level of inconsistency and unpredictability, it makes sense, then, that a serial cheater would also appreciate having a spouse who provides stable ground for them. Avoiding a divorce means that they can continue to engage in exciting activities without having to think about post-divorce responsibilities like finding housing, paying legal fees, and being a single parent.
The Desire to Maintain Stability and Social Status
A positive outward image is something that many serial cheaters strive for, even if they are struggling with internal conflict or low self-esteem. And they will jump through a variety of mental hoops in order to reconcile their infidelity with a positive sense of self. Here are a few ways that they may pursue this “have your cake and eat it too” mentality:
- They use their marriage as a marker of social status and respectability, i.e. if their marriage “looks” good and their spouse is still around, the infidelity isn’t that bad.
- They may be overly critical of other relationships as a way to feel better about their own marriage.
- They put undue pressure on children to perform as a way to hide problems within the family unit.
- They write off all previous failed relationships as the fault of the other person.
- They use a range of justifications for extramarital affairs, such as the belief that monogamy is unnatural.
- If they are found out, they will promise to change so as to avoid the dissolution of the family.
- They blame their habits on mental health issues instead of getting help.
Ultimately, serial cheaters are playing a constant balancing game between wanting the perfect life and wanting to continue along a path of new sexual partners. Staying in a marriage allows them to hide behind a facade of a happy family so that they can hold onto a positive self-image.
Resistance to Accountability and Change
Despite the fact that many cheaters promise to change their behavior after their infidelity has come to light, the reality is that few will actually do so. In fact, promises to stop cheating are often understood by experts as manipulation tactics to prevent a break-up instead of a genuine desire to change. For this reason, it is common to see short-term efforts toward change but a lack of long-term commitment to being faithful.
One study found that someone who has cheated on a past partner is three times more likely to cheat in their next relationship than someone without a history of infidelity. And, 60% of serial cheaters are resistant to being held accountable for their actions and going through the necessary steps to avoid future infidelity.
In these circumstances, a serial cheater will lean on a variety of excuses and justifications that allow them to resist change, including:
- A belief that monogamy is unnatural and impossible.
- A habit of blaming marital problems on their spouse.
- Claims that their personality is unchangeable and out of their control.
Potential for Change and Treatment Options
This article has provided a realistic exploration of the psychological, emotional, and social root causes of repeated infidelity. And, given everything we’ve covered, it does seem unlikely that a person would be able or willing to change in favor of sustained fidelity. But there are certainly instances of successful reversal of serial cheating, as long as the person is able to:
- Recognize, acknowledge, and validate the harm that they’ve caused their partner
- Understand and heal from the root cause of their infidelity.
- Be motivated and humble enough to change.
- Find the right therapeutic approach that has been proven successful in dealing with their particular reasons for infidelity.
Unfortunately, the road to recovery from serial cheating can be long. And there are sometimes setbacks that can be damaging to relationships and the confidence of the cheater in recovery. But, with the right treatment plan and personal resolve, a repeated cheater can create healthier, consensual, and trusting relationships.