Why Did He Ghost Me? 10 Common Reasons

Introduction

If you’ve been in the dating scene over the last few years, you’re probably familiar with the concept of ghosting, or the practice of spontaneously ending communication with someone after a romantic involvement or relationship.

As it turns out, ghosting isn’t just a minor annoyance. According to research findings and expert opinions, this behavior can have real psychological consequences, including feelings of confusion, distress, rejection, and more.

In this article, we’ll talk about common reasons why people ghost as well as some of the impacts on both the ghoster and ghostee. And while you may not be able to completely avoid ghosting in the future, you may gain some insight that makes this phenomenon less confusing!

Let’s talk about the top 10 reasons why people ghost:

Fear of Confrontation

No one enjoys a breakup, but there’s actually research that shows just how far we’re willing to go to avoid being the source of someone else’s pain.

According to a 2024 study from the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, for instance, researchers found that ghosting may serve as a psychological tool to avoid conflict. They posited that this avoidance of confrontation may be rooted in prosocial behavior. In other words, we don’t ghost because we don’t care about the other person. We ghost because we’re evolutionarily hardwired to want to keep the peace, even if the tactics don’t necessarily make sense.

What’s more, some people are more likely to rely on this confrontation avoidance than others. In particular, someone with a history of being steamrolled, unfairly treated, or abused in the past—whether romantically or by a family member, teacher, boss, or other important person—is likely to be more fearful of conflict than others.

Lack of Interest

Another common reason for ghosting is a simple lack of interest. A survey published by Forbes, for example, found that of the over 2000 participants who responded, 60% had been ghosted and 45% had ghosted someone. A few of the common reasons for this waning of interest could include:

• A recognition of incompatibility or lack of chemistry. Getting to know someone new is all about deciding whether the two of you are compatible or not. Ghosting may happen after one person realizes that there are differences of opinion, a lack of shared interests, conflicting communication styles, or a number of other markers of incompatibility.
• A perceived lack of interest by the other person. Sometimes, a person may stop responding to someone who doesn’t show them the kind of consideration or enthusiasm that they want in a partner. Of course, this may not be a true reflection of the other person’s feelings, but the result is that they don’t see value in continuing to communicate.
• More compelling conversations with other potential partners. Whether they rekindled an old flame or are pursuing other romantic interests, some people may ghost because they are channeling their energy in another direction.

Overwhelm and Stress

Many people would agree that our modern age can be quite stressful! And, according to a study in Telematics and Informatics, a significant predictor of ghosting behavior is feeling overwhelmed by communication demand and overload.

There’s no one reason why we’re all feeling a little bit more frayed at the edges these days. But there are a few possible theories, including:

• The ability to be in constant communication because of technology. Our social batteries may be draining more quickly these days because we have so much uninhibited access to each other. You’ll understand this phenomenon if you tend to get overwhelmed by unread texts, social media messages, emails, calls, and notifications from dating apps.
• Blurred lines between work and personal life. The ease of communication because of technology has also affected our work-life boundaries. It makes sense that someone would be more likely to respond to a message from their boss after hours than someone they’ve recently started chatting with on Hinge.
• Year-over-year increases in commute time. According to an article in the New York Times, commute times dipped slightly during the pandemic but have since bounced back and even worsened. That means that we’re spending more time behind the wheel, on the subway, and biking or walking to and from work, which may be cutting into our socializing time!

Given that many of us are feeling bombarded by the increased level of communication between friends, colleagues, family, and romantic interests, experts say that ghosting could be a form of strategic energy conservation.

Convenience of Technology

There’s another way to look at the connection between technology and ghosting that may be even more complicated than communication overload. Namely, some experts point out that the commercialization of dating and social media has made it more difficult for us to connect or feel invested in potential partners.

Here are a few reasons why:

• The game-like quality of dating apps. Many dating apps are designed to keep their users active by making it interesting and engaging to explore new people. Notifications of new potential matches can make it difficult to feel invested in developing relationships.
• Proliferation of very similar profiles or types of interactions. Sometimes people may opt to ghost if they feel like they’ve been meeting the same kind of people and having the same kind of conversation over and over again.
• Dating app disillusionment and burnout. As you have probably seen in TikTok videos, Instagram reels, and in conversations with friends on dating apps, many people are having less-than-positive experiences! This may make people more likely to cut off communication with someone at the slightest sign of disagreement.
• Skewed view of the reality of social media. Many of us put our best foot forward on social media, which can give others an unrealistic idea of what our lives are really like. It’s possible that this false sense of positivity makes it easier for someone to ghost us because they don’t have a feeling of guilt or understanding of how their actions may affect us.

All of this together may be making ghosting a more understandable reaction to the burnout and disconnect that results from dating apps and social media.

Avoiding Emotional Labor

Even though we all deserve a clean and mature break-up, many people are not willing or able to invest the required energy to provide closure.

Exactly why this may be a combination of everything we’ve covered so far: communication overload, lack of interest, or conflict avoidance, but there’s another interesting theory, too. An article in Psychology Today suggests that people with higher self-esteem may be more likely to ghost than those who suffer from low self-worth. This may be because their positive sense of self buffers them from feelings of guilt and shame that come with hurting another person.

In other words, they move on without feeling overly guilty about ghosting and they also don’t feel compelled to put in the emotional labor of a breakup. They simply move on. Of course, as we’ll explore later on, even though the ghoster may not be willing to put in the emotional labor of breaking up, that workload may be shifted onto the ghostee who must then navigate feelings of rejection, abandonment, and confusion.

Mental Health Issues

Mental health issues are another common reason why someone may struggle to maintain consistent communication. In fact, around 1 in 3 people who have reported ghosting say that their mental health struggles were the main reason they stopped communication.

There are a few reasons for this, including:

• Low self-esteem. Someone who is in the middle of a mental health crisis may not see themselves as worthy of being in a relationship. They may also fear rejection or abandonment severely enough that they would rather cut off communication than take a chance.
• Low energy. As we mentioned, feeling overwhelmed by life’s daily stressors and communication overload can put someone at a higher risk for ghosting. But, when you add a mental health problem, such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or other, this person may have even less energy to deal with the demands of a relationship.
• Anxious or scattered thought patterns. Someone dealing with anxiety or a disorder like ADHD may struggle more with consistent communication because they are dealing with disorganized thoughts.
• Isolation tendencies. People in the middle of a mental health crisis often isolate themselves from friends, family, and other loved ones.
• Catastrophizing thoughts. It’s common for people with certain mental health disorders to see the world through a more negative or hopeless lens. This may prevent them from feeling invested in a romantic relationship.
• Stigma around mental health. Even if you are understanding of mental health struggles, past experience may have taught the person ghosting you that sharing their struggles is risky.

Perceived Safety Concerns

Unfortunately, dating is not a risk-free practice, especially when it comes to setting up dates with someone you’ve only met virtually. Even in cases in which you knew someone prior to dating them, there are some circumstances in which exploring a romantic connection can be potentially dangerous.

This is one of the only cases in which experts, qualified professionals, and even policies by dating apps like Tinder would recommend ghosting as a safety measure. Here are a few red flags that could justify ghosting:

• The person you’re talking to appears aggressive or violent.
• They try to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do, such as sending lewd pictures or engaging in sexting.
• They demand to meet you in a private location.
• They seem like they may be trying to scam you for personal information.
• They make inappropriate sexual, racist, or otherwise harmful comments.
• They will not take no for an answer.

In certain circumstances, ghosting may be a temporary solution to create distance and send the message that you’re not interested. But you may also need to take further action such as blocking the person and reporting them.

Reciprocal Ghosting

You might assume that someone who has gone through the emotional turmoil of being ghosted would be less likely to do it to someone else. But as it turns out, this is not the case.

In fact, in a survey of people who have been ghosted, 67% admitted to ghosting others. The rationale behind doing so may have something to do with the following:

• The normalization of ghosting. As we’ll discuss more later on in this article, cultural beliefs around ghosting are becoming more accepting of this practice. Someone who has been ghosted in the past may feel that they aren’t in the minority if they ghost someone else.
• Self-preservation. The cyclical pattern of ghosting might be a defense mechanism that keeps someone from experiencing further harm. It may be too overwhelming for them, in other words, to have been ghosted and then also go through the process of breaking up with a different partner.
• A desire to regain control. There’s a common phrase that “hurt people hurt people,” and this could be another way to think about reciprocal ghosting. Someone who has gone through the feeling of loss of control as a result of ghosting may be more likely to feel more in control during their next relationship as the ghoster.

Lack of Communication Skills

Being a good communicator in relationships is not something that most of us learn in school or even from our relatives. And, the lack of communication skills, added on to all of the other common reasons for ghosting that we’ve covered here, can make it more likely for someone to avoid a breakup altogether.

Here are a few signs that someone’s communication skills might not be developed enough for them to give you a proper breakup:

• They shut down during disagreements.
• They aren’t able to identify or express their emotions.
• They expect others to know what they’re feeling or thinking without verbalizing it.
• They become frustrated when asked clarifying or follow-up questions.
• They use silent treatment instead of talking about issues in the relationship.

If you often feel confused or uneasy with a partner because of these communication patterns, it could be a red flag that they may choose ghosting as an easier alternative to a break-up conversation.

Cultural and Societal Norms

Ghosting has become a prevalent part of cultures all over the world. In this article, we’ve highlighted the many studies conducted in the US, but another study by Research Co. found that 55% of Canadians have also been subject to this behavior.

While dating pools around the world are experiencing ghosting at similar rates, it does seem that younger people are more likely to engage in this behavior than older generations. This is a sign of a cultural shift that may be related to some of the topics we’ve covered here, such as the oversaturation of technology and the commercialization of dating.

The Psychological Impact of Ghosting

Effects on the Ghosted

Even though there are many reasons for someone to choose ghosting instead of a formal break-up, the experience of being ghosted is fairly universal, with some of the following effects being most common:

• Confusion. Many ghostees are left without a satisfying explanation about why communication ended. This may increase feelings of anxiety and confusion.
• Feelings of exclusion, rejection, and abandonment. Even if the ghoster had a reason for ending communication that had nothing to do with the ghostee, the person on the receiving end of this behavior is likely to feel rejected. They may struggle with a sense of belonging and self-worth in other areas of their life.
• Feelings of depression. Depression is a common symptom in the wake of being ghosted, regardless of the length of the relationship.
• Loss of sense of control or autonomy. Ghosting can feel disorienting because it leaves the ghostee with few (and often no) options to rectify the situation. This can lead to feeling helpless and out of control.
• Inability to trust future romantic partners. Being ghosted can lead someone to feel more fearful and cautious in future romantic endeavors.

Effects on the Ghoster

The focus on the negative effects of ghosting often revolves around the person who was ghosted. But research shows that the ghoster is also negatively impacted by their decision to cut ties without notice.

In fact, while many people opt for ghosting as a way to avoid emotional turmoil and labor in the short term, that doesn’t mean that they will be able to avoid negative feelings long-term. Some ghosters are reported to suffer from feelings of lingering guilt, shame, low self-esteem, and depressive symptoms.

Conclusion

Because ghosting has become such a major part of modern dating, it’s useful for us to better understand this behavior. In this article, we’ve covered ten of the most common reasons for ghosting including:

• Conflict avoidance.
• Loss of interest or lack of compatibility.
• Communication overload.
• Technological advances and the commercialization of dating.
• Emotional labor avoidance.
• Mental health struggles.
• Safety concerns.
• The cyclical nature of ghosting in society.
• Lack of communication skills.
• Changing social dynamics and normalization of ghosting.

Opening up discussion on this harmful behavior may prepare us for the fallout of being ghosted as well as help de-normalize ghosting as an accepted practice. Indeed, most relationship experts and psychologists strongly frown upon ghosting except in very specific circumstances. So, perhaps if we can continue to explore and challenge the reasons for ghosting, we may be in a better position to shift away from this practice.