Defining Soft Swinging
You’ve probably heard of swinging, but what is soft swinging?
As ethical non-monogamy has grown in popularity, this term has popped up to give couples more options on how to open up their relationship. In soft swinging, couples may engage in kissing, fondling, and even oral sex without having penetrative sex with anyone outside of the relationship.
The Rise of Soft Swinging in Popular Culture
Anyone interested in exploring ethical non-monogamy is living in a time when this practice is more widely accepted than ever before! It’s for this reason that examples of soft swinging have appeared in popular culture, including:
- The lyrics of the viral song “After Midnight” by Chappell Roan say, “Maybe it’s the club lights/ I kinda wanna kiss your girlfriend if you don’t mind” and later on, “Maybe it’s the moonlight/ I kinda wanna kiss your boyfriend if you don’t mind.” This kind of playful exchange suggests that people are becoming more open to the idea of spontaneous soft swinging.
- The Taylor Frankie Paul story. One of the more attention-grabbing examples of soft swinging from the last few years involved the Mormon TikTok star and cast member of the reality show ‘The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,’ Taylor Frankie Paul. The influencer explained that she and her husband regularly engaged in consensual soft swinging with other community members. But, when she broke the soft swinging agreement by sleeping with a friend’s husband, her marriage ended and she received plenty of online backlash. After the scandal broke, Taylor Frankie Paul was invited to the View to explain what soft swinging is and what repercussions it had on her life.
Dynamics and Boundaries in Soft Swinging
The dynamics of soft swinging can vary from couple to couple, but it may include elements of:
- Flirtation and suggestive conversation with members outside of the relationship.
- Main couples engaging in physical intimacy in the presence of other couples, aka parallel play.
- Soft swapping of partners, to allow for kissing, flirting, and touching.
Clearly, soft swinging can look very different depending on the level of comfort of each couple, so partners need to talk clearly about what their agreement will look like.
Some common boundaries of soft swinging often include:
- Not having penetrative sex with anyone outside of the main couple.
- Not engaging in emotional relationship-building with anyone outside of the couple.
- Having the ability to stop the interaction at any point.
- Not engaging in soft swapping unless all partners are present (i.e. not excluding a partner unless they give explicit consent.).
Just as partners should talk about the dynamics they want to explore in soft swinging, boundaries like these also need to be discussed before getting started.
Emotional and Psychological Aspects
Soft swinging can offer some benefits and potential challenges when it comes to emotional and psychological wellness.
On the one hand, some of the positives that can come out of soft swinging include increased or renewed excitement about physical intimacy. When done properly, it can also foster a deeper connection within couples because it invites more open and honest conversations about desires and fantasies. And it can do all of this without the next step of having sex with someone outside of the couple.
That being said, soft swinging isn’t going to be a psychological benefit for every couple. In some circumstances, it can cause jealousy, discomfort, and self-esteem issues.
Soft Swinging vs. Full Swinging: Key Differences
People often say that soft swinging is simply the gateway or a stepping stone to full swinging. And while that may be true for some couples, it’s certainly not a rule. So, what are the key differences between the two?
- Soft swinging does not involve penetrative sex. This is the biggest difference between soft and full swinging. In soft swinging, couples can decide what level of physical intimacy is allowed, but penetrative sex is off the table.
- Soft swinging is more commonly practiced in a shared setting. Traditional swinging may be collaborative (as in all partners staying in the same room) or involve separate experiences. However, soft swinging is typically done with all partners in view of each other.
Comparing Soft Swinging to Other Forms of Non-Monogamy
One of the benefits of non-monogamy becoming more widely accepted is that people are learning that there are many different ways that they can engage in this practice.
Soft swinging sets itself apart from other forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), for instance, by allowing each partner to explore physical intimacy in a way that still centers their main relationship. By removing sex with extra-relationship partners from the equation, they may feel more connected and secure in their relationship than they would in other kinds of ENM setups, such as full swinging, polyamory, or a monogamish lifestyle.
Common Misconceptions About Soft Swinging
As with many other forms of non-monogamy, soft swinging has a few misconceptions that may prevent people from wanting to try it. A few ideas that deserve pushback include:
Soft swinging leads to full swinging. As we mentioned before, the two practices are separate. Each couple can decide which one they want to engage in.
Swinging in general will ruin the relationship. There are plenty of couples who are able to make this work for themselves.
Soft swinging is just cheating in front of your partner. Cheating is a form of non-consensual non-monogamy that does not align with the practices of swinging.
The Role of Communication in Soft Swinging
Communication is a key element in any successful relationship, and that’s especially true for couples engaging in soft swinging. Subjects that should be discussed include:
- Why is each partner interested in trying soft swinging?
- Any insecurities or doubts each partner has about the process.
- Who can be considered a viable couple to try this practice with? Some couples, for example, may not want to try soft swinging with a neighbor they see every day.
- What should they do if one partner wants to end an interaction?
- How often do they want to engage in soft swinging?
Cultural Perspectives on Soft Swinging
We’re living in a time when ethical non-monogamy is becoming more widely accepted. But that doesn’t mean that everyone sees it as a good thing.
Cultures that prioritize modesty, for instance, are likely to look down on practices in which people see or interact with others who are not their married partners. Older generations, in general, may also consider the practice to be too non-traditional, unless they had an open mind to ideas around open love popularized in the 1970s.
On the other hand, much of the world was shocked to hear that soft swinging is popular in some Mormon communities. Even though religious groups tend to be traditional in certain aspects, they seem to be accepting of some modern relationship practices that may allow for the strengthening of the marriage. In other words, as long as there is no penetrative sex between unmarried people, soft swinging can be an acceptable way for married people to maintain their own sex life.
Navigating Jealousy and Emotional Strain
In order for soft swinging to be enjoyable for each partner, it’s helpful to understand that certain emotions, such as jealousy, feeling overwhelmed, or body insecurities, are likely to appear. Instead of hiding them, couples should find appropriate ways to deal with these natural responses to changes in the relationship. A few tactics could be:
- Seeking comfort and reassurance from the main partner.
- Engaging in personal growth practices such as therapy, exercise, quality time with loved ones, etc.
- Considering couple’s therapy or coaching to create a safe, neutral space to talk about problems as they arise.
Addressing Concerns and Potential Issues
Not sure how to have those tough conversations with your main partner about your soft-swinging problems? These steps may help:
- Get clear on what emotions are coming up for you. You might want to journal or talk to a neutral friend or therapist to better understand what the problem you’re facing is.
- Ask for a check-in with your main partner. Choose a time when you are both free from distractions and able to talk in private.
- Talk about what’s been working as well as what hasn’t. It’s a good idea to highlight some of the things you’ve been enjoying before bringing up things that you’d like to change.
- If emotions start to run away from you, take a pause. These conversations should always be safe, calm, and encouraging. If either of you is getting upset, it’s important to pause and come back when you’re able to speak and listen openly.
The Influence of Social Media on Soft Swinging
As we watched the Taylor Frankie Paul story unfold on TikTok, conversations around soft swinging and ethical non-monogamy skyrocketed. Indeed, social media has played a huge role in challenging taboos around soft swinging, allowing curious couples to feel more open to exploring it for themselves.
Apart from TikTok, online forums like Reddit have given people the space to ask questions and provide their perspectives anonymously. Within the subreddit r/Swingers, there are many discussions about play ideas, working through swinger relationship problems, and more.
Establishing Rules and Boundaries
In order for soft swinging to be fully consensual, partners will need to establish a set of guidelines to help them navigate these new experiences. While every couple’s boundaries will be different, a few to start out with could be:
- Deciding on what specific acts of intimacy will be allowed.
- Potentially ruling out certain people who may cause conflicts, such as someone with a closer emotional connection to one partner or someone who works with one of the partners.
- The use of personal hygiene products such as condoms or dental dams, depending on the kind of intimacy involved.
- Choosing the right time and place for encounters.
- Deciding how to communicate with other couples between encounters.
- A plan for ending the encounter if one partner is feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed.
Risks and Rewards of Soft Swinging
Soft swinging may not be for everyone, and it’s important to consider the risks and rewards that can come with this lifestyle before getting started.
On the one hand, there’s a risk that soft swinging will create jealousy, self-esteem issues, and estrangement in the relationship. This may be more likely if these kinds of issues existed before trying soft swinging or without having the necessary conversations about boundaries and support.
On the other hand, there are the rewards: increased relationship satisfaction, exploration of personal and shared fantasies, tips and tricks learned from other couples, and more.
Online Communities and Their Role
It’s possible that soft swinging is becoming more popular today because online communities have allowed for easier communication between curious couples! After all, there are now online platforms dedicated to matching couples with singles or other couples who are also interested in soft swapping or parallel play.
That being said, anyone engaging with an online community should practice internet safety. There is still a risk of online scamming whenever interacting with strangers on the internet. And, because soft swinging is still looked down upon by many, there is also a risk for blackmailing that couples should be aware of. In general, couples should take the time to get to know and establish trust with the other couple before organizing an intimate encounter.
How to Decide if Soft Swinging is Right for You
The decision to start soft swinging is first personal, and then shared. As such, if each partner can answer yes to the following criteria, then soft swinging will have a higher likelihood of success:
- Am I curious about soft swinging (versus going along with it because it’s what my partner wants?)
- Do I feel comfortable being intimate in the presence of other people?
- Do I see my partner as someone who will support me through new, potentially uncomfortable experiences with patience and understanding?
- Do I feel that the potential benefits outweigh the risks?
By asking these questions, both partners can be sure that they’re moving forward with curiosity and enthusiasm!
The Impact of Soft Swinging on Relationships
Soft swinging can have either a negative or a positive impact on relationships depending on how partners navigate the experience together.
Consider, for example, a partner who uses soft swinging as an ultimatum by saying, “If you don’t try this with me, I’m ending the relationship.” In this scenario, there is a lack of enthusiastic consent that could lead to issues of insecurity and discomfort.
If, in contrast, a partner suggests the idea as an option for creating more satisfaction and connection in the relationship, it could have a very positive impact.
Key Considerations Before Engaging
Before going on this journey with a partner, keep the following key points that we’ve covered in this article in mind:
- Successful soft swinging is only possible with clear boundaries and communication.
- Feelings like jealousy and insecurity are normal and should be dealt with in a caring and constructive way instead of ignored.
- Having certain rules will keep things safe and structured.
- It’s important to practice online safety when interacting with potential couples on forums and dating platforms.
- Each and every encounter should be enthusiastically consensual.
In this article, we sought to answer the simple question: what is soft swinging? And, of course, we found out that it can look a lot different depending on the desires, fantasties, and boundaries of each couple. So, with all of the pros and potential cons in mind, will you and your partner try soft swinging for yourself?