It’s a term you may have heard on TikTok, your favorite reality show, or even between friends. But what is a Pick Me Girl? This relatively recent term refers to any woman who prioritizes being “chosen” by men, sometimes at the expense of her relationships with other women.
In this article, we’ll talk about where the term came from, what it means for female friendships, and whether we should even be using the phrase in the first place.
Definition and Origins of the 'Pick Me Girl'
As is the case with many modern terms, Pick Me Girl first appeared on X (Twitter, at the time). The year was 2016 and an unconfirmed user lit the spark that became the trending hashtag: #tweetlikeapickme. The idea was to create a tweet satirizing the way that women compete against each other to garner the favor of men. Some of the most successful tweets of the moment were:
- “i don’t see how girls can go out every weekend im content with staying in catching up on homework and watching movies :) #tweetlikeapickme” - uokjada
- “All my friends are guys because girls have too much drama going on” -@vvr13
- “You women in your makeup all look the same, I don’t need all that #teamnatural #tweetlikeapickme” - @nikuaIe
As you can see, the point of the trending hashtag was to poke fun at the way that some women try to set themselves apart as a way to build their own social currency. A few common elements in these tweets included:
- Tearing down other women. A lot of these tweets satirically attacked other women by criticizing their makeup, personal lives, or single status.
- Separating the self from other women. Another element of the #tweetlikeapickme was the differentiation between the poster and other women. Common phrases included “I’m not like these other girls'' or “The difference between you and me is…”
- Propping up traditional gender roles. Another key part of the satire was the reliance on sexist tropes. These imagined Pick Me Girls criticized other women for not being willing or able to cook for their man, going out instead of staying home, and wearing inappropriate clothing.
- Excusing bad behavior by men. Finally, a full-rounded #tweetlikeapickme tweet often included an ironic mention of men’s poor behavior in a relationship. One viral tweet, for instance, said, “You girls really out here leaving after your man cheats once?????? Let him make his mistakes! Watch him grow #tweetlikeapickme” - @WantSomeTee. Others gave the impression that women should support their man even if he doesn’t have a job and plays video games all day.
The trend appeared again briefly in 2018 on Twitter, and then finally made its way to TikTok sometime around 2022 with Gen Z.
While the Pick Me Girl trend started on Twitter in the last decade, it actually harks back to an even earlier morsel of pop culture. Grey’s Anatomy fans will remember the iconic scene in 2005 when Meredith makes a—somewhat—desperate plea for Derek to make a choice between her and another woman. In her impassioned speech, she says, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” And from that single line, the Pick Me Girl was born.
Internalized Misogyny and Patriarchal Influence
Whoever started the trending hashtag on Twitter was responding to an already existing phenomenon, one built on female competition and animosity. After all, the Pick Me Girl tweets may have been exaggerated, but they were a response to a very real experience that many women connected to and continue to connect to. So, let’s take a look at some of the root causes:
Societal Expectations
Some societal expectations of women are quite obvious. For instance, the pressure on women to find a partner, get married, and start a family is a common subject in TV shows, rom-coms, conversations between girlfriends, and of course, the dreaded topic at family gatherings and holidays.
But there’s also a pressure on women to be a “guys girl” or a “cool girl.” This more subtle form of conditioning rewards women for being “unlike other girls” by partaking in men’s activities like video games or hunting, not being overly superficial or focused on makeup and fashion, living a “drama-free” lifestyle, and more. The exact expectations can change depending on the context, but the result is the same: more attention from men.
This reward is a form of social currency. It can help women find a romantic partner. It may help them gain support from their male superiors at work. It can be useful in widening their social network or making connections that will pay off in a variety of situations. So, it makes sense that women would play this role in order to reap the benefits of being noticed and validated by those in power in a patriarchy, i.e. the men who pick.
Something important to note here is that much of this is entirely subconscious. Many women act from a place of internalized misogyny that comes from a lifetime of conditioning. In fact, many women have to go through a conscious process of challenging patriarchal values in order to avoid becoming a Pick Me Girl.
Female Solidarity
On the flip side, being a Pick Me Girl may also be a way that patriarchy can prevent female solidarity. By encouraging competition between women, the Pick Me Girl mentality makes it more difficult for women to work together and support each other.
Indeed, one of the jokes of the #tweetlikeapickme was the acknowledgment that this mentality allows men to continue to mistreat their partners.
Traits and Behaviors of a 'Pick Me Girl'
As we mentioned, expectations for successful Pick Me Girls can change depending on the context. In other words, women will be rewarded for a different set of behaviors in the office versus a social setting. As such, the specific behaviors of a Pick Me Girl can be fluid depending on what characteristics are currently being rewarded. That being said, there are a few common characteristics of a Pick Me Girl that remain consistent, including:
- Rejection of traditionally feminine interests. A Pick Me Girl may speak about her distaste for rom-coms, shopping, girl’s trips, mixed drinks, pedicures, reality TV, romance novels, and other stereotypically women-only activities.
- Validation of traditionally masculine interests. At the same time, a Pick Me Girl will likely glorify things that are stereotypically male-coded, such as beer, sports fandom, fishing, hunting, war movies, etc.
- Critiques of other women as a way to appear more relatable. The critiques of other women used by Pick Me Girls are strategic. They mirror common criticisms used by men, such as the idea that makeup is deceptive or that women are manipulative, needy, and overly emotional.
- Highlighting of her own characteristics that make her desirable. Again, being a Pick Me is all about gaining favor. An effective way to differentiate oneself from other women would be to highlight her own emotional stability, work ethic, lack of drama, athletic capabilities, and more.
- Willingness to sacrifice female friendships. Something that is sure to be sacrificed when taking on a Pick Me persona is the support and trust of other women. Women who take on this lifestyle may actively shut out other women or be willing to lose their female friends in favor of men’s approval.
Examples in Popular Culture
Pick Me Girls have probably been around for millennia, or as long as the patriarchy has existed. But recently, the phrase has had a moment in popular culture.
Take, for example, the popular reality television series “Love is Blind,” in which participants effectively compete with one another to make a love match. The term Pick Me Girl spread like wildfire during season 6 and in particular the post-season reunion, in which fellow contestants and two women in a love triangle, Sarah Ann and Laura, called each other Pick Me Girls for using a variety of tactics to win over Jeramy.
Pick Me Girl culture doesn’t just thrive in reality TV situations, either. Olivia Culpa was accused of being a Pick Me Girl in a scathing video by TikTok user and bridal studio owner of Gown Eyed Girl, Kennedy Bingham. Specifically, Culpa’s language around choosing a wedding dress that was not too sexy, revealing, or unserious made the Bridal Creator question whether the celebrity’s motives were misogynistic.
The Impact and Consequences of 'Pick Me Girl' Behavior
As with any viral internet trend, the rise of the Pick Me Girl conversation has led to some real-life consequences.
On the one hand, it’s allowed us to have more nuanced conversations about the harms of patriarchy. There are, after all, many women who have used this opportunity to take a look at the ways that they can be more supportive of the women in their lives instead of slipping into the habit of competition.
On the other hand, there have been instances in which the focus on Pick Me culture has been misused. Earlier this year, a flight attendant took to Reddit to share her experience of being labeled a Pick Me Girl after developing a friendship with a male first officer on one of her regular flights. Apparently threatened by her proximity to the first officer, other flight attendants in her crew shunned her, called her a Pick Me Girl, and started a rumor that she had slept with the first officer. These reactions could have had serious implications on the poster’s career—not to mention her mental health—which prompted the first officer to take legal action within the company in her defense.
Criticisms and Debates Around the Term
As the term has become a more accepted part of the popular lexicon, some worry that we’re taking things a little too far. After all, when the phrase Pick Me Girl is slung around without careful consideration and empathy, it can have the exact effect of further dividing women. After all, it’s difficult to foster female empowerment and solidarity when we spend all of our time tearing each other down.
When seeing the term Pick Me Girl being used, it can be helpful to ask:
- Who is using the term? Is it someone with a genuine interest in creating an inviting, supportive environment for women? Or is it someone with a bone to pick (i.e. someone with misogynist views, themselves?)
- Is the term being used to point out a larger, valid societal critique? Or is it being used as ammunition for a personal attack? Put in other words, is she really acting like a Pick Me Girl, or does she just like sports?
The Anti-'Pick Me Girl' Phenomenon
Because the internet is an inherently complicated landscape, our discussion on the Pick Me Girl phenomenon has yet one more layer: the anti-Pick Me Girl community. These are people who reject the phrase Pick Me Girl but may still adhere to the behaviors that the movement seeks to address.
For instance, someone may say something like, “The whole Pick Me Girl conversation just goes to show that women are overly dramatic and judgmental.” This kind of statement does bring up a valid critique of the misuse of the term, but it does so in a way that further degrades women and perpetuates misogynistic stereotypes.
Welcome to the complexity of the internet.
Conclusion
The writers of Grey’s Anatomy probably didn’t expect that a single line of a screenplay could blossom into a 20-year-old discussion on gender roles, the legality of workplace rumors, and whether Laura or Sarah Ann was the true Pick Me Girl of Love is Blind.
But, since it has, it’s worthwhile to take a deeper look into what this phrase has meant culturally. On the one hand, it has invited a necessary discussion on patriarchal pressures and the social currency of men’s approval. It’s also shown how a genuine and well-intended critique of a social phenomenon can quickly have the opposite effect, further alienating us from one another instead of allowing us to find common ground.
At this point, it’s probably not a bad idea to stop lobbing the term Pick Me Girl at every opportunity. A better use of time, energy, and limited characters on X would be to think of ways that we can foster female friendships, support, and understanding.