So, you got asked out by a man with kids. You might be wondering if it’s a good idea to say yes, and if so, what common red flags when dating a man with a child you should be aware of. Because while you shouldn’t write someone off for having kids (unless you’re really not good with them, yourself), there are some situations that won’t be worth your time, emotions, and effort.
So, let’s talk about what you need to know about dating a parent, and how to take care of yourself in this kind of relationship!
Pros of dating a parent
Maybe you’ve never dated a man with kids before and you’re wondering whether it’s worth it. Before you say no, outright, consider some of the potential benefits of dating a dad, such as:
- Opening yourself up to a larger dating pool. Let’s face it, if you say no to all the dads in the dating pool, you could be preventing yourself from connecting with someone who could make you really happy. This is especially true if you’re trying to date someone older, as the likelihood that they’ve had kids increases after 30.
- Emotional maturity that comes with being a parent. We’re not going to say that every dad is emotionally mature. But, there is a good chance that the experience of becoming a parent has had a positive effect on his empathy, communication, and emotional regulation skills.
- Time management. Parents who are involved in their kids' lives have to become adept at time management, at least to some degree.
- The fun parts of being a parent. You might find that you enjoy (step) parenting duties more than you expected! Depending on the age of the kids, this might mean watching animated movies, watching soccer games, going to family theme parks, talking to them about school and friends, and maybe even becoming something of a mentor. These aspects of building a relationship with a child can be fulfilling and life-changing.
- Your partner will really cherish their downtime. If you want a partner who appreciates their day off, dating a dad will certainly fit the bill. Of course, everyone is different (and in fact, your partner might actually need alone time), but you might be able to schedule fun one-on-one dates that include relaxing activities for both of you.
- It could be a good option if you don’t want kids yourself. Maybe you like the idea of bonding with a child and creating a family with someone, but you don’t necessarily want to have your own kids. Taking on the role of a step-parent could be a good option for you, as long as you understand the limitations of your role.
We should say that these are all potential benefits, and that every situation is different. You might find, for instance, that your partner wants to keep his romantic life separate from his family life, meaning that some of these potential pros won’t apply. So, be ready to manage your expectations while you’re getting to know him, and talk to him about what he’s looking for to get a better idea of what your unique relationship might look like.
Beige flags when dating a man with kids
The fact is, dating someone with kids will come with a different set of expectations and circumstances than dating a childless partner. And, we consider these beige flags. They’re not necessarily good or bad things, but rather realities that you’ll have to decide whether you want to navigate. Here are a few of the most common:
You won’t be his #1 priority
A good dad will make his kids a top priority. And that’s a good thing. In other words, if you’re accustomed to a partner who puts your needs above all else in his life, this kind of relationship might be a challenge for you.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that he should put you on the back burner all the time! If that’s the case—and we’ll talk about this later—it could be a red flag.
His house might look like a dad’s house
Even a dad who is very clean or has a housekeeper is still going to have a house that looks like kids live there. So, if you had ideas about dating someone with a sleek and modern bachelor pad, you might have to learn to live with kid's toys, sports equipment, games, and school backpacks, instead.
He might not want more kids
Someone who has gone through the process of having kids may not be willing to do it all over again from the beginning.
Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you want kids.
You may not agree with his parenting style
Another potential sticking point for dating someone with kids is realizing that you may not like their parenting style. Maybe they allow the kids to be on screens 24/7. Maybe they reward the kids for bad behavior. Maybe the kids, in your view, have a total reign of the house. But unless you are witnessing signs of abuse or dangerous neglect, the fact is, it’s not your place to say anything.
He might be a bit scatterbrained
No matter how old his kids are, it’s likely that if you’re dating someone with children, he’s going to have a lot on his mind. This will, of course, depend on how involved he is in his kids’ lives. In other words, the more child-rearing responsibilities he has, the more scatterbrained you can expect him to be.
His life won’t be as spontaneous
Last-minute weekend trips away and spur-of-the-moment plans are not compatible with a lifestyle with children. And that’s not to say that you can’t have adventure and fun, but rather that you’ll have to plan ahead in order to account for the kids.
Potential red flags when dating a man with a child
So far, you might be getting to know more about what a relationship with a man with kids could look like. And you might even be hopeful about what it can add to your life. But as you start dating, make sure that you keep an eye out for the following red flags to make sure you’re not getting into a sticky situation:
Red Flag #1: He introduces you to his kids too early
This may appear to be a compliment at first. You think: Wow he must really trust me. But in reality, this is a red flag.
A man you just started dating can’t know that you are trustworthy or that the relationship will work out. So, introducing you to his kids too early has the potential to put them through the emotional confusion and stress of seeing their parent dating someone new with no guarantee that you’ll stick around long-term.
In other words, if he wants to get to know you and build a relationship before introducing you to his children, take that as a sign that he has their best interest in mind.
Red Flag #2: He has no boundaries with his ex
One of the realities of dating a man with kids is that he’s likely still in contact with his ex. This is unavoidable.
But, pay close attention to what that relationship actually looks like. Is she calling at all hours of the night? Does she come over unannounced? Is she critical or rude to you while your boyfriend does nothing to stop it?
A lack of boundaries with the mother of his children will lead to unnecessary drama, discomfort, and pain that will ultimately affect the kids. So, pay close attention to how he manages this relationship before deciding to go ahead with dating.
Red Flag #3: He is in over his head
To be sure, a lot of single parents feel in over their heads. Parenting is hard. And it’s even harder when you’re trying to juggle parenting, dating, a career, and everything else. But, there is a difference between being overwhelmed and being underwater. And if you think that your new boyfriend is underwater, it’s in both of your best interests that you walk away. After all, he will be the only one who can clean his life up, and if he’s not willing to do that on his own, you could get hurt in the process.
Here are a few red flags that he’s not in a place to be able to enter a relationship:
- He is exhausted all the time.
- He is very quick to get angry or annoyed.
- He doesn’t put any effort into your relationship.
- He invalidates your desire to have a loving relationship.
- He doesn’t think to communicate with you unless it’s convenient for him.
- He doesn’t allow you to talk about your own problems.
- He uses escapism to deal with his stress.
Red Flag #4: He talks badly about his kids and his ex
This one is a pretty obvious red flag and can indicate that he’s deeply unhappy or uncomfortable with his role as a parent.
Of course, it is normal and healthy for parents to talk about the challenges of raising a child. And they may even complain about it as a way to blow off steam. But it becomes a red flag if the parent:
- Makes negative comments to the child’s face or within earshot of the child. This is potentially damaging to the child and can lead to issues with self-confidence, emotional regulation, and more.
- Talks badly about his ex in front of his child. No matter the age, listening to one parent talk badly about the other can be upsetting. It’s okay to express emotions like frustration and disappointment, but talking excessively about how “bad” the other parent is in front of the child is a huge red flag.
- Only ever says negative things about his child. If you notice that your new partner never has a good thing to say about his child, consider it a red flag. This level of constant negativity could affect your relationship and your own mental health.
Red Flag #5: He uses his kids as an excuse for treating you unfairly
Dating a man with a child will mean finding the right balance between his responsibilities as a parent and the needs of your relationship. This can be tricky, requiring constant communication and effort to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met.
That being said, you can be pretty sure that your relationship will struggle if you see the following red flags:
- He cancels dates with you last-minute frequently. Emergencies and urgent matters having to do with the kids can come up from time to time, but if your partner is constantly canceling or rearranging your plans, with or without advanced notice, take it as a red flag.
- He forgets important details or milestones in your life. As we mentioned earlier, it’s common for a parent to be a bit scatterbrained. But, if he puts very little effort into remembering important things such as when you have a date planned, your birthday, or a big meeting you had at work, it’s a sign that he’s not emotionally invested.
- He doesn’t care for you because he claims he’s too tired. As tiring as parenting can be, committing to a relationship means being prepared to put effort into the relationship. The bare minimum should be showing interest in your life, offering affection, and spending quality time with you. If he’s too tired to care for you and the relationship, he should be single.
- He invalidates your feelings or shuts down disagreements. Sometimes dads who are dating have a tendency to expect a “drama-free” relationship, claiming that they have enough on their plate to deal with relationship issues. But in reality, no relationship isn’t without some conflict. Instead of shutting down disagreements or invalidating your feelings, he should be willing to work with you to find solutions and repair the relationship.
Red Flag #6: He expects you to take on a childcare role very early
As your relationship develops and you start to get to know the children and become a bigger part of their life, taking on more of the family responsibility is normal. This should always feel entirely voluntary and natural, and your partner should show appreciation for you taking on this role.
But, there are a few situations which should raise alarm bells, such as:
- Your partner giving you responsibilities without asking. You taking on childcare tasks, from reading bedtime stories to preparing meals to picking the kids up from school, should always be the result of a conversation. Remember that you are not a stand-in mother or wife, but rather a new partner who doesn’t have any obligation to take care of his children.
- Accelerating the relationship-building process so that he can take advantage. Earlier, we mentioned that introducing you to his kids too early is a red flag, and part of that is because it can mean that he’s looking for someone to help with the kids, fast.
- Your partner admonishes you for doing things your own way without providing guidance. You may be willing and eager to help out with childcare responsibilities, but be wary of situations which you haven’t been prepared for. Him leaving you alone with the kids without explaining important details like when they eat, whether they’re allowed TV time, and how to deal with behavior issues, is not fair to you or the children. This is even more of a red flag if he later admonishes you for doing things differently than he would have. Keep in mind that you are not a mind-reader and, even though these things may seem basic to him, there is no one right way to care for children.
Red Flag #7: He has no contact with his kids
Finally, the last red flag we’ll touch on is perhaps one of the most concerning: he has little to no contact with his children. Now, there are many different possible reasons for this, but they may point to the following situations:
- He has no desire to care for the child. This is a sad reality that you might come across when dating men with children. They may put in minimal effort but not show any real drive to see, spend time with, or know about their child.
- He has prioritized his career/himself over being with his child. It is entirely possible for a man to have a career far away from his kids and still maintain regular contact with them through video calls and planned trips. But someone who uses distance or their own busy schedule as an excuse to not put in the effort is choosing not to have a relationship with their child.
- The relationship with his kids has broken down. As kids get older, they have more of a choice in what their relationship with their parents will be like. And, it’s possible that through disagreements, different parenting styles, resentment, and other reasons the children have distanced themselves from the parent. Still, this is not an excuse for a man to stop trying.
- He is not a safe person in the child’s or mother’s life. The most concerning red flags when dating a man with a child would be that he has lost visitation rights because of an instance of violence or the threat of violence. This situation should be dealt with cautiously.
Dating a man with children can be wonderful, as long as you can recognize the red flags!
In this article, we’ve covered the topic of dating a partner with children from all sides so that you can decide whether you want to enter into such a relationship. As you can see, there are many benefits to dating a dad and you may fall in love with your new role as a step-parent. But that’s only if you’re able to accept certain realities of dating someone with children and keep an eye out for red flags when dating a man with a child!