Cross-cultural dating can be such a positive experience, with the potential to introduce you to an entire world that you never expected to be a part of. But it can also come with misunderstandings, moments of humility, and let’s be honest, awkwardness. So, whether you’re looking to smooth out the wrinkles in an existing cross-cultural relationship or take the plunge and date someone outside of your culture, how can you navigate the highs and lows of this romantic endeavor?
In this article, we’ll share some tips and potential pitfalls when dating someone from a different cultural background. The goal of this guide is to help you better understand your partner and yourself so that you can bridge gaps and build a happier relationship!
First, let’s highlight some benefits of cross-cultural dating
We’re not going to sugarcoat the fact that dating across cultures can be challenging. But, many people in cross-cultural relationships will tell you that the positives far outweigh the tough moments. Some of the most commonly cited pros include:
- Perspective. Getting to know someone outside of your culture opens you up to a new way of seeing the world. It can be fascinating to learn about how other cultures think about everything from community to family to pets to fashion and more. In other words, you’ll have an endless well of conversation topics to pull from and could go through a process of self-growth as you expand your worldview.
- Exploration. If your significant other was born or lives in another country, it can be such a special experience to be introduced to their place in the world as an outsider. It can also be fun to show your partner around where you grew up or currently live, as it can help you reconnect with what you love about your hometown or chosen city.
- Humor. Every culture has its own sense of humor, which can add color and vibrancy to your relationship! Indeed, being able to make one another laugh is a key way to maintain a long-term, satisfying relationship.
- Food. If you consider yourself an adventurous eater, dating someone outside of your culture will be an obvious benefit. But it goes beyond just the joy of eating! Sharing food across cultures can be an important way to appreciate traditions and history. And, it will give you a chance to understand one another on a deeper level.
- Attraction. To be sure, you don’t want to make your partner feel fetishized or exoticized. But, there’s no harm in admitting that you might find their accent, cultural values, sense of style, or humor attractive!
If you’re currently in a cross-cultural relationship, take the time to think about what you appreciate most about your partner. This will help to keep things in perspective if you hit a few of the snags we’ll talk about later in this article.
Get comfy with the “P” word (we’re talking about privilege)
Whether or not you feel comfortable talking about it, the reality is, power dynamics are likely to play a role in your relationship. And if you try to brush it under the rug—especially if you’re the one in a position of power—you could inadvertently harm your partner or miss an opportunity to understand and empathize with them.
Here are a few ways that privilege might affect a cross-cultural relationship:
- Wealth disparity. If you come from a wealthier country or background than your partner, this could play out in a number of ways. On the one hand, you and your partner may have different spending habits that you’ll need to address. In some situations, differences in wealth can also lead to issues with manipulation, coercion, and lack of trust. As such, it will be extremely important to make sure that the connection is genuine and respectful and that both parties feel empowered to make their own decisions.
- Education opportunities. Not all cultures are afforded the same access to educational opportunities, and this can mean that you and your partner might have reached different levels of schooling or that your degrees hold different weight depending on where you live. This can translate into gaps in opportunities, such as one partner not being able to use their degree to find work outside of their country.
- Ease of travel. When only one partner has a visa or passport that allows them to travel freely throughout the world, this is a power dynamic that can impact the relationship. Where, for instance, will you choose to live? Will moving to one person’s country mean that the other has to give up their family, job opportunities, etc.?
- Discrimination. Finally, it will be important for you and your partner to acknowledge the role that discrimination plays in your relationship. Your partner, for example, may come from a culture, race, or religious background that is looked down upon by your culture. And you’ll have to find a way for them to feel safe and comfortable in the face of societal discrimination. Or, differing ideas about gender roles from your respective cultures can lead to conflict both within the relationship and in family dynamics.
Privilege is a complex topic that will play out differently in every relationship. So, it’s important that you think about how it may impact your unique situation and make efforts to ensure that both partners feel validated, autonomous, and safe.
Be proactive about learning
Your partner’s culture is an important part of their identity, and you can deepen your bond with them by learning more about their history, customs, language, and values. That being said, asking them incessant questions about their culture can be tiring. Instead, they’ll appreciate you taking the initiative to learn more about their culture on your own.
Here are a few fun or engaging ways that you can learn more about their culture as a way to show how much you value their background:
- Brush up on the basics of their cultural history. You’ll be able to find documentaries, books, or movies on the subject, and it will help you to understand why your partner may have certain values or perspectives.
- Bridge the language gap. Speaking a second language can mean that you or your partner may never be able to show one another the full range of your personality. And while learning your partner’s first language to fluency might not be accessible to you, making an effort can go a long way to make them feel appreciated. It can also be a sign of respect to learn the basics if you’re going to be meeting your partner’s family.
- Read their news. This is especially true if your partner is interested in their country’s politics, weather, pop culture, or other current events. Being able to keep up with the basics of what’s happening can allow you to be a sounding board for their opinions and give you a better understanding of their culture.
- Spend time with other people in the culture. Whether it’s members of your partner’s family, a language exchange group in your area, or a social club, being able to interact with other members of your partner’s culture is an invaluable way to further understand their identity. Again, this doesn’t mean that you should ask an endless list of questions, but rather seek to listen and understand.
Meet differences with curiosity
As we mentioned before, the differences between you and your partner can be beneficial, but only if you’re able to recognize and acknowledge them with a sense of appreciation rather than superiority. Take the following examples:
- Communication styles. Your partner may come from a culture that says things very directly while your culture is more measured. Instead of taking it personally, ask yourself why this might be an advantage (i.e. you’ll never have to guess what your partner is thinking.)
- Physical space. Many cultures around the world are very comfortable with physical touch, for example, kissing each other on the cheek as a greeting or standing in close proximity in public spaces. This can be uncomfortable until you realize that it’s a facet of the culture.
- Interior decorating. Keep an open mind when talking to your partner about things like interior decorating. You may find certain design choices trivial or even tacky but they can be things that make your partner feel more connected to their culture.
- Social norms. Maybe it’s puzzling to you why your partner always wants to eat dinner so late or refuses to allow guests in the house with their shoes on. Once you start to notice these societal norms, you’ll realize that there are many, many such small (and sometimes not so small) differences between you.
- Gender roles. If you and your partner are different genders, this could potentially play a big role in your cross-cultural relationship. Be curious about what you might have learned about gender roles from your own family and how they compare to your partner’s cultural expectations. This is a difference that can become emotional and personal quite quickly, so being able to notice these differences with curiosity rather than judgment is crucial.
- Family relationships. The fun thing about observing someone’s family is that you’ll get the chance to learn more about the culture but also the microculture of the family itself. Each family has their own history, quirks, beliefs, and sense of humor that tell you a lot about where the differences between you and your partner come from.
Again, we want to emphasize that you should get into a practice of observing differences from a place of curiosity and appreciation. This will give you the foundation to start finding common ground.
Work towards finding common ground
It has probably become clear to you that a successful cross-cultural relationship is going to require compromise. Indeed, phrases like, “That’s just the way I was raised,” are not going to go over well when trying to build a relationship with someone who was raised differently. So, how can you go about finding common ground?
- Work from a place of shared values. There’s something that has brought you and your partner together. For example, you might both agree that family is important, but have different ideas about what that looks like in practice. This might look like one of you wants to spend every Sunday with the in-laws while the other one only sees their family on big holidays. You’ll need to find some common ground that honors both of your commitments to family even though the way that you express this value is different.
- If your partner tells you that something is important, validate them. You may not understand why something is culturally important to your partner, but being a supportive and caring partner means validating them regardless. For instance, if it’s important for your partner to adhere to certain religious practices, give them the space to do so without judgment or ridicule.
- Acknowledge when communication differences are causing pain. As we mentioned earlier, there are some cultural differences that will create discomfort and even pain, and these should be addressed directly. For instance, if your partner is using a communication style that hurts your feelings or comes off as overly critical to you, let them know how you feel.
- Keep it light-hearted. Although we’ve covered some serious topics in this article, one of the best ways to navigate cultural differences is with light-heartedness and even humor. Of course, you should never make fun of your partner’s culture! But being able to laugh at yourself and see the humor in cultural differences can go a long way in helping you bridge the gap.
Connect with other cross-cultural couples
It can be such a relief to learn that you’re not the only couple in the world who has experienced the highlights and challenges of a cross-cultural relationship! Indeed, as our world becomes more connected and open-minded, these kinds of partnerships are becoming more and more prevalent. So, take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.
By seeking out friendships or connections with other cross-cultural couples, you can get relationship advice, laugh about common mishaps, and talk through some of the good and challenging experiences that you share.
Consider calling in professional
Given the communication gap, potential for misunderstanding, and power dynamics at play in cross-cultural relationships, it’s entirely normal to feel overwhelmed. As such, having a third party—particularly a professional therapist with experience in cross-cultural relationships—to help navigate this experience can be such a useful resource. You and your partner will learn how to better communicate, respect each other’s backgrounds, and forge a new path that works for both of you.
Will you explore the potential of a cross-cultural relationship?
In this article, we’ve talked about the wonderful aspects of dating outside of your culture as well as some of the common snags you might hit along the way. So, how are you feeling about embarking on this journey with the right partner? As long as you’re willing to put in the effort, find common ground, and laugh at yourself from time to time, you just might find that a cross-cultural relationship could change your life for the better!