Learning how to sustain a successful long-distance relationship can be overwhelming. After all, these types of relationships are challenging, and can ask a lot, emotionally and practically, of both partners in order to maintain a connection that is strong and fulfilling.
Whether you’re just starting a long-distance relationship or have been in one for a while, the good news is, there are strategies that can help. In this article, we’ll outline best practices for maintaining intimacy, support, and enthusiasm, no matter if you’re a few miles or oceans apart.
Define the long-distance relationship
Your first step in starting a long-distance relationship will be to define it. That’s because it’s important that you know exactly what you mean to each other to cut down on doubt and confusion when you’re not together. Some questions that you may want to ask during this step include:
- Are you interested in continuing our relationship even with distance?
- Are we open to seeing other people or are we exclusive?
- What is the term that you would use to describe what we mean to each other?
- Are our goals for the future aligned? For example, are we both open to marriage, family-building, etc.
This can be a very difficult conversation to have, especially if you’re worried that the two of you may not be in exactly the same place in terms of how you see the relationship. But, long distance requires you both to be on the same page, so it’s crucial that you have this talk in person before embarking on this journey.
Take special consideration for non-traditional types of relationships
Most of the advice that you’ll find about long-distance relationships is for traditional romantic relationships. But the truth is, distance can be hard on polyamorous, sugar, and other forms of non-traditional relationships too!
So, if you’re navigating a long-distance relationship with one of these dynamics, think about how these tips can be adapted to your unique partnership. We’ll also include ideas for open relationships and sugar relationships along the way.
Set mutual goals
You might find that your conversation about defining the relationship allows you to segue into goal-planning mode, which is great. It will be important for the two of you to have ideas on what happens on the other side of the long-distance phase, so that you have something to look forward to and come back to when things get tough. Some common goals may include:
- One of you moving to the other person’s location.
- Finding a new location for both of you to move to together.
- Getting engaged or married.
- Starting a family together.
One thing to note is that not having any mutual goals can be quite difficult to overcome. In other words, if you don’t see the long-distance aspect of your relationship ever-changing or you don’t see yourselves growing together and accomplishing life goals together, it will be difficult to maintain investment in the relationship. It may be in your best interests to have a formal separation or plan to have something more casual and non-committed (i.e. you may see each other when you’re in each other’s location but don’t maintain a long-distance relationship.)
Be honest about how much you can contribute to the relationship
A long-distance relationship requires investment and effort. And, you’ll want to be clear with yourself and your partner about how much you’ll be able to engage. For instance, ask yourself:
- How much free time do you have for video calls, phone calls, texting, or even letter writing?
- Do these forms of communication fulfill you or drain you? In other words, will you be able to sustain enthusiasm for your partner’s preferred method of communication?
- Do you have the resources to travel to see your significant other? If so, how often?
- How much emotional labor are you able to put into the relationship? For example, will you be able to call your partner when they’re feeling down? Or does your busy work schedule or other responsibilities make that difficult?
As clear as you can be about your current ability to contribute to the relationship, the better. You may want to share your current work and social calendar with your partner so that they know when you’ll be available.
Choose your next finish line
Having clear milestones in a long-distance relationship can give you both something to look forward to, which is a good way to keep the enthusiasm and momentum going. These might include:
- Your next video date.
- The next time you’ll see each other.
- A shared vacation.
- The end of the long-distance phase.
In general, we would recommend focusing on shorter-term goals as well as a few bigger-picture ones. This is because according to research covered in the Scientific American, subgoals, or short-term steps towards larger goals, can prevent feeling overwhelmed.
Understand how distance might bring up uncomfortable feelings
None of us know exactly how we’re going to react to being in a long-distance relationship until we’re actually in one. And you might find that you start to develop uncomfortable or unfamiliar feelings as a result of being cut off from your partner. Some of the most common include:
- Anxiety. You may experience a general feeling of unease that you can’t pin down.
- Insecurity. You might start to question whether you’re good enough for your partner or your relationship.
- Jealousy. You may start to feel possessive over your partner and want to know who they’re spending time with.
- Overthinking. This can look like overanalyzing your conversations and looking for subtext that may not exist.
- Worry. You might become suddenly worried that something bad will happen to your partner, such as a car accident or physical illness.
- Loneliness.
- Catastrophizing thoughts. These can look like “making a mountain out of a molehill,” for instance, treating every small conflict like the end of the world or the end of the relationship.
- Difficulty concentrating. The emotional stress of a long-distance relationship can affect your ability to focus.
- Sleep troubles. This may be emotional or practical, for example, if you find yourself staying up late on video calls or you can’t sleep because you’re ruminating about the relationship.
It’s important to acknowledge these common emotional symptoms of being in a long-distance relationship so that you can work towards addressing them. Many of these issues don’t go away on their own, so you’ll need to have a plan that will help you navigate them in a safe and healthy way.
Have a plan to bolster your life apart from your relationship
If you had a full and satisfying life with your partner before you or they moved away, it can feel like their absence leaves a huge hole. So, it will be crucial that you learn how to build a fulfilling life apart from your partner so that you can find ease and happiness on your own instead of focusing on the loss and lack. Here are a few ways to do that:
- Find a new hobby (or return to an old one). Anything from pickleball to embroidery will do! Just find something that brings you joy and keeps you occupied.
- Up your exercise. Exercise can have such a positive impact on your mental and physical health, while also giving you something to do instead of sitting at home thinking about your relationship. It can also help to regulate your sleep and lower stress.
- Find meaning in your work. This isn’t going to be possible for everyone. But, if you’re able to pursue a line of work that is personally meaningful to you, you’ll feel like you have something to look forward to every day. Even if you don’t find your work to be personally satisfying, think of ways that you can find meaning in your job, such as your friendships with coworkers or saving up money for the next trip to see your partner.
- Engage in activities that get you away from your phone. Activities that require your full attention are a great way to get you out of negative thought patterns by bringing you into the current moment. This can include time in nature, baking bread, pottery, or going to the movies. The idea is not to escape your reality but rather to give your mind a break!
- Join a club. Finding community outside of your relationship can provide a sense of belonging and purpose to your daily life. This might be a political organization, a spiritual group, a volunteer project, or even a book club.
- Plan more social activities with friends or family. From movie nights to family dinners to girls/guys weekend trips, your existing social network can be such a huge help in staying positive and enjoying your life away from your partner.
- If you’re in an open relationship, explore other connections. When your partner was living in the same place, you might not have had the time or desire to pursue other connections. But, this could be an opportunity to explore new relationships.
Tell your partner how they can help you (and in turn, ask how you can help them)
Every relationship is different, so spend some time thinking about specific ways that your partner can help you through this process. Here are a few things that you might request to make your time apart a little easier:
- Random check-ins throughout the day. You might feel validated with short texts that say, “Thinking about you” or “This reminded me of you.”
- Scheduled calls. There are different schools of thought about whether you should have set call times or let communication flow more organically in order to avoid pressure and potential disappointment. But, if it helps you to have a scheduled call to look forward to, tell your partner.
- Physical gifts or care packages. It may not be reasonable to ask your long-distance partner for extravagant gifts or care packages. But, if they’re asking how they can support you and you enjoy the occasional physical gift, let them know!
- Assurance or reminders of commitment. Sometimes, it’s enough to ease a troubled mind just to hear your partner say something like, “I know this is hard but I’m committed to making this work.” Let them know how much these words of affirmation mean to you.
- Emotional check-ins. Being in a long-distance relationship can feel quite isolating, and you may feel like no one knows what you’re going through. Having your partner check in to see how you’re feeling every once in a while, can make you feel less alone.
Once you’ve thought about what kinds of support would help you, you’ll also want to ask your partner what would help them! You both should walk away from the conversation with clear steps you can take towards showing each other you care.
Understand that you and your partner may have different needs
Just as your partner can support you from afar, you’ll also need to be committed to supporting them in the way that they need! Keep in mind that their list of preferences for support might be different from yours. So keep an open mind and be willing to hear their requests without judgment.
Here are some valid things that a partner may ask for that may not be so easy to accept but can help your relationship:
- Less communication or breaks in communication. Being attached to your phones can make it more difficult to focus on daily responsibilities or live in the present. And the constant conversation can be mentally tiring. So, it’s valid that a partner may ask for less frequent check-ins or updates, or the occasional break from their phone altogether.
- Set availability hours. Your partner may have a job that requires them to be away from their phone for hours at a time or there may be a no-phone policy at their gym. They should be able to convey to you the times that they’ll be available to talk, but don’t take it personally if it isn’t 24/7
- Putting limits on how much you talk about the difficulty of the situation. As we’ll cover in the next section, your partner can’t be your only source of emotional support in a long-distance relationship. And in fact, they may find it difficult to talk constantly about the negative aspects of the distance. You should absolutely be able to talk about your feelings, but understand that your partner may burn out from talking exclusively about the challenges of your situation.
Look for emotional support apart from your partner
When you find yourself in one of the tougher moments of a long-distance relationship, the only thing you’ll want in the world is to hug your partner. But, that’s not going to be possible, which can only make your current emotional state worse. You might fall into a rumination pattern of “this is not fair” or “I hate this” or “How dare my partner be so far away,” which aren’t helpful thoughts.
Instead, it’s going to be important that you find ways to self-soothe or look for emotional support away from your partner. This can take the form of:
- Activities that bring you peace of mind
- Talking to a therapist
- Having a group of friends you can turn to for support
- Being part of a community of people going through the same thing. There are plenty of online forums for people in long-distance relationships, or you might have one or more friends in the same situation
Exploring these other sources of emotional comfort will allow you to avoid feeling resentful towards your partner.
Anticipate time zone issues
If you and your partner will be living in different time zones, this can put an extra layer of difficulty on your communication and connection. So have a plan in place to navigate this challenge, such as:
- Trying out different time slots. Schedule a few different timing options during the day or night to see which one feels most comfortable with your routines and energy levels.
- Exploring means of communication that don’t require you to be present at the same time. If the time difference between you is quite drastic, you might try alternative forms of communication. You might try, for instance, recording longer videos of yourself or voice notes filling your partner in on your day instead of trying to coordinate a call.
- Prioritizing shorter calls or messages throughout the day over longer ones. You might find that it works better for your time zone difference to be flexible with your communication, opting for shorter check-ins rather than long phone or video calls.
Remember that little displays of affection can go a long way
There are so many small things that you can do to foster connection over the distance. Here are just a few ideas, but you can absolutely cater them to your relationship:
- Sending little updates throughout the day.
- Writing down things that remind you of one another.
- Having a shared playlist that you can both add to so that you’re listening to the same music.
- Ordering food/ice cream/coffee/flowers to your partner’s house.
- Giving your partner a gift card for a special occasion or out of the blue.
- Writing letters.
The flip side of the coin, here, is learning that you also need to acknowledge your partner’s little displays of affection. Every effort they put into keeping the connection alive between you should be acknowledged and appreciated so that they feel encouraged to keep it going!
Tech hacks that can help
In the wake of a global pandemic in which all of us had to learn how to stay connected from afar, there are actually more tech hacks than ever before that are useful for long-distance relationships! Check out these ideas:
- Movie-watching services. There are plenty of options, such as NetflixParty and Discord, that allow you to watch a movie with your significant other
- Couple apps and platforms. Apps such as iPassion, Couply, Agapé, are all designed to foster intimacy and connection over distance through quizzes, games, and conversation starters.
- Rideshare and food delivery apps. You may not think of these as romantic apps, but you can use them to take care of your partner from a distance! For example, surprise them with an ice cream delivery or treat them to an Uber ride home when you know they were planning on taking the bus to save money. These small treats can go a long way to make your partner feel pampered.
When conflicts come up, get on a call
Conflicts come up in any kind of relationship, and the added stress of being in a long-distance one can make you feel like you’re arguing more frequently. Luckily, there are a few strategies that you can use to diffuse the tension and work through problems:
- Don’t argue over text. Face-to-face conversations are always preferable and will help you resolve conflicts more quickly
- Adopt an “us versus the problem” perspective with your partner. When you think of conflicts as “me versus you,” it separates you from your partner instead of allowing you to work together towards a solution.
- Remember that your partner isn’t getting all of the information (and neither are you.) You might feel like your partner is being inconsiderate for not acknowledging your feelings. But, keep in mind that they’re missing the non-verbal cues that might have allowed them to tune into your emotions in person. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re doing their best with the limited information that they have.
- Consider virtual couple’s therapy. Online couples therapy can help you troubleshoot problems, come up with strategies for connection, and plan for the future.
Understand when it’s time to end things for your wellbeing
Unfortunately, not all relationships will survive the challenges of a long-distance set-up. And, you might need to end the relationship for your well-being.
This isn’t a decision that will come easily, and you’re the only one who can know for sure when it’s time to walk away. Make sure that you rely on your support system and prioritize your health and wellness when navigating a breakup.
Can you find fulfillment, joy, and security in a long-distance relationship?
In this article, we’ve talked about proven strategies and tips for making it work with your long-distance partner. So, do you think that you can have a satisfying relationship even when your beau is abroad?
At the end of the day, you are free to decide whether you’re ready for and willing to try a long-distance relationship!