Are the changes you’ve been seeing in your spouse signs that your wife is cheating on you? Or are your own anxieties painting the wrong picture? In this article, we’ll try to help you navigate this difficult situation by providing some common hints that infidelity might be present in a relationship.
Of course, these signs aren’t hard evidence of infidelity! But, they are symptoms of discontent in a relationship and should be talked about so that you can get some clarity and address underlying issues within the marriage.
Changes in Communication
One of the first signs of unhappiness in a marriage is a change in communication. This can take the form of:
- Disinterest in conversations. You may notice that your partner often seems to be off in their own thoughts and only vaguely engaged in conversations with you.
- More frequent disagreements. You might find yourself bickering over trivial things much more frequently than before.
- Less patience and willingness to understand the other’s perspective. Your partner may suddenly start taking an opposing stance on most subjects, even when your opinions were previously aligned.
- Displays of disgust. You may also notice that your partner shows signs of annoyance or disgust when you’re talking. Or, they may speak rudely to you, or belittle you.
- Explosive anger. Someone who is hiding infidelity is typically dealing with uncomfortable emotional tensions that can lead to more frequent outbursts.
Secretive Behavior
A partner who is hiding an affair may take precautions against you finding out, such as:
- Putting a new password on their phone or computer.
- Not using their electronics around you.
- Taking phone calls in private.
- Keeping you away from their friends, family, or colleagues. They may fear that you will talk about changes in the marriage to their friends or family. This is especially risky for them if there are other people in their life who know about the infidelity.
In general, even though someone may think that they’re covering their tracks well, their partner will still get the sense that they’re hiding something. This is even more likely if the relationship was more open and honest before and has become more secretive.
Emotional Distance
It is very difficult for someone who is engaging in infidelity to maintain a healthy emotional connection to their partner. So, you’re likely to notice the following signs of emotional distancing:
- Less physical affection and touch.
- Fewer compliments and verbal praise.
- Decreased interest in shared activities and more time spent on individual activities.
- Forgetfulness of important dates, details, and plans.
- Preoccupation with cellular devices and other distractions.
Changes in Appearance and Routine
Whether a woman is engaging in an emotional or physical affair, she may suddenly become more aware of her appearance. Some common changes could include:
- Looking more dressed up to go to work, social events, or errands.
- Wearing more makeup or perfume than usual.
- More frequent hair or nail appointments or elaborate hairstyles.
- A desire for cosmetic surgery or other interventions.
- Increased focus on physical fitness, such as signing up for a new gym or personal trainer.
To be sure, changes in appearance don’t necessarily mean that a woman is having an affair. But it could be a sign that she is consciously or unconsciously seeking attention outside of the marriage.
Increased Time Away from Home
A big red flag of infidelity in a marriage is increased time spent outside of the relationship, which may or may not have valid explanations.
For example, your wife may have recently taken up running and will meet regularly with a running club. And while most of her time away from home is spent with the running club, it’s also possible that she’s developed an emotional connection with another member of the club. Or, she may be using the running club as an excuse to cover up spending time with someone she met another way.
Other common excuses could include working late hours, spending more time with friends, a new hobby, or claiming to want more alone time for herself.
Deleting Digital Footprints
Someone engaging in an affair will often become hypervigilant about covering up their tracks, especially when it comes to their online habits. This can look like:
- Having their phone constantly on mute when they used to have it set to sound.
- They change their phone password frequently or have it set only for facial or fingerprint recognition.
- Using a privacy screen protector.
- Deleting messages, emails, or their phone call log.
Avoiding Social Media or Messaging Apps in Your Presence
Whether she’s messaging her extramarital partner or her friends about the affair, she’s probably going to be very private about her texting apps and social media. This may manifest in behaviors such as:
- Never respond to messages in your presence. She may say something like, “I’ll respond to my messages later” as a way to avoid you possibly seeing her conversations.
- Not wanting you to check her messages. You might previously have had a relationship in which your wife wanted you to read her messages aloud to her while she was driving or otherwise occupied but has since become more secretive.
- Turning off her on-screen notifications or being careful to leave her phone face down. This will decrease the chances of you seeing pop-up notifications that could be compromising to her.
Unusual Displays of Affection
In some cases, a woman having an affair will start being overly affectionate with her husband, perhaps providing him with gifts, extra favors, verbal compliments, massages, and physical intimacy. There are a variety of possible reasons for this including:
- Feelings of guilt. A wife who is cheating may try to make up for it with affection and support in order to ease her feelings of guilt.
- A desire to make the relationship appear happy. One way that she may try to cover her tracks would be to put up a convincing front that everything in the relationship is going well. This may make it easier for her to deny accusations of cheating.
- An overall improvement in mood as a result of the affair. Someone having an affair may experience an increase in personal satisfaction as a result of the extra attention, excitement, and emotional connection, which can sometimes translate into affection for their husband.
Disguising the Affair Partner
It can be useful for someone having an affair to disguise their partner as someone trustworthy and innocuous. A wife, for instance, might introduce her affair partner as a new friend, colleague, exercise partner, fellow workshop participant, or other platonic relationship.
Use of Alibis
An alibi is a story that a wife will use to convince her partner or other people in her life that an affair is not taking place. Some common alibis could include:
- Working late.
- Getting together with friends after work.
- Meetings with coworkers or clients.
- Being part of a sports team or taking an exercise class.
- Claiming to be spending time with family.
- Being a part of the Parent-Teacher Association or other school-related activity.
- Volunteering.
Alibis sometimes require the help of other people in a woman’s life to be able to cover for her in case her husband calls or asks questions that would reveal the affair. And because alibis are built on lies, they can be difficult to maintain long-term. Inconsistencies typically appear over time.
Statistical Evidence of Infidelity
Unfortunately, infidelity is quite common in married couples. And, although the actual data can be difficult to gather—after all, not everyone is willing to admit to having an affair, even anonymously—the studies that have been done are shocking.
Incidence Rates and Admissions
According to surveys, 16% of married couples admit that cheating has been present in their relationship, with 57% of divorces being linked to infidelity. Broken down by gender, 20% of males and 30% of females have admitted to engaging in cheating in past relationships.
Interestingly, the rate for women has been on the rise since the 1990s, and certain affair sites like Illicit Encounters have seen a 50% increase in women-identifying users in the past few years.
Workplace Affairs
Workplace affairs are one of the most common forms of cheating in adults, with an estimated 30% of physical affairs originating between colleagues. Additionally, an estimated 60% of emotional affairs start in the workplace, which is perhaps not surprising given the close nature and need for collaboration in many professional settings.
Emotional Affairs
Speaking of emotional affairs, they are more common (or commonly admitted to) than physical cheating. In fact, 77% of male and 91% of female survey participants have shared that they engaged in an emotional affair in the past. And 88% of women have admitted that they prefer emotional affairs to physical cheating.
Psychological Impact of Infidelity Concerns
One interesting thing about infidelity in marriages is that sometimes the fear of being cheated on or doubts around whether an affair is taking place can be equally as damaging as the cheating itself. Some reasons for this may include:
- Gaslighting. If an affair is taking place, the person engaging in cheating is likely to rely on a variety of tactics, including lying, being dismissive, angry outbursts, distractions, and more, to prevent their spouse from finding out. This can leave the person being cheated on feeling emotionally confused and distressed as they question their reality.
- Differences in communication styles. Sometimes an affair may not be taking place, but differences between partners can lead one to feel insecure. For instance, someone who is accustomed to texting frequently with a partner may start to feel insecure if they marry someone who turns their phone off during work hours.
- Personal insecurities and past cheating experiences. Spouses who have been cheated on in the past or are dealing with personal insecurities stemming from body image issues, infertility, a disability, or others may be especially vulnerable to the fear of being cheated on by their current partner. This can lead to feelings of jealousy, anxiety, and a need to control their partner to feel more secure.
The Role of Emotional Dissatisfaction
Affairs are often the culmination of some type of dissatisfaction in the marriage, whether it be physical incompatibility, emotional distancing, work schedule conflicts, financial stress, or more. These stressors in the marriage may lead women in particular to seek emotional support and intimacy outside of the marriage.
For this reason, it’s incredibly important to address issues within the marriage as early as possible. Good communication, displays of gratitude, and the help of a professional counselor can be strategies for lowering the risk of cheating in a marriage.
Conclusion
As we’ve mentioned throughout this article, not all of the signs discussed here serve as 100% proof that your wife is cheating on you. Instead, they can be seen as red flags of discontent in the marriage.
Overall, while it may be necessary to keep an eye out for signs that your wife is cheating on you, the best thing you can do is encourage open and honest conversations. After all, an estimated 47% of people who cheat admit to doing so within just one week of starting an affair. And, if you’re struggling to talk about it, a professional couple’s therapist is a great resource to help facilitate such a conversation so that you can stop wondering and start getting answers.