Perhaps you’ve started dating someone new and are noticing a few concerning patterns in the relationship. And based on what you’ve seen of his relationship with his mom or how he’s talked about her, you worry that so-called “mommy issues” may be to blame.
In this article, we’re going to talk about how to spot an unhealthy mother-son relationship, what it may mean for your relationship, and possible options for healing!
Understanding Mommy Issues
Unfortunately, the term mommy issues tends to minimize a phenomenon that is potentially serious and damaging to the development of men. So, let’s start with a more honest portrayal of what mommy issues really look like:
The Origin of Mommy Issues
Mommy issues are rooted in an unhealthy relationship between a caregiver and their son during early childhood. For the purposes of this article, we’re going to focus on mothers, but the fact is, that a caregiver of any gender can establish an unhealthy bond with their child. And “unhealthy” can refer to a few different dynamics, including:
- A mother that is too overbearing. In this scenario, a mother who is anxious or nervous may want to control her son’s every movement out of a need to protect him. Indeed, overbearing mothers may be doing their best to take care of their sons in a dangerous setting or be dealing with fear stemming from trauma or other mental health problems. While well-intentioned, this constant swooping in can prevent the child from being able to explore the world on his own and feel comfortable in his decision-making capabilities.
- An overly critical mother. On the other end of the spectrum, a mother who is overly harsh or critical of her son may also inhibit him from building the skills necessary to navigate his environment with confidence. Mom may be a perfectionist herself, or have unreasonable expectations for her son.
- An absent mother. There may be a variety of reasons for a mother to be absent, whether she is suffering from mental illness, being a single parent, or lack of parenting skills. Her dismissiveness or disinterest in her son can also negatively impact him as he’s forced to navigate the world with no direction or guidance.
- A mother who sees her son as an equal. Parentification of a child can also have harmful effects on their development. A mother who treats her son as a confidant, has expectations of him to mature quickly, or puts undue responsibility on him may be preventing him from going through normal childhood developmental milestones.
Psychological and Behavioral Patterns
In early childhood, these unhealthy parenting styles can prevent children from exploring, understanding, and mastering their environment. From dressing themselves to sharing toys with other children to learning how to regulate emotional outbursts, children with mommy issues fall behind peers who have received loving encouragement and guidance.
It’s no surprise, then, that these issues would carry on into adolescence and adulthood. Men who don’t have a secure and supportive caregiver may experience anxiety, harsh self-criticism, fear of the unknown, conflict avoidance, drive for approval-seeking and people-pleasing, and other maladaptive behaviors in their adult relationships.
Common Signs of Mommy Issues
We’ve touched on some of the psychological outcomes of mommy issues in early childhood. But, let’s take a closer look at some of the most common red flags that appear in men with an unhealthy caregiver relationship:
Inability to Establish Boundaries
Men with mommy issues frequently struggle to set healthy boundaries in adulthood.
On the one hand, if they had an overbearing parent, they may carry on that tradition by being overly controlling or involved in their partner’s life. They may not understand the importance of privacy or independence within a romantic relationship, which can end up smothering their partner.
On the other hand, a man who has a very distant relationship with a parent may set boundaries that are far too rigid. He may not be willing to share his full life with a partner or be able to consider his partner’s emotions, which can lead to estrangement.
Emotional Unavailability
In general, society discourages men from developing healthy emotional awareness and expression. But, this is made exponentially worse when a caregiver is emotionally distant, abusive, or overbearing.
Men with mommy issues, then, may struggle to form stable emotional bonds with a partner. This can manifest in a number of ways, including being closed off, not being willing to talk through emotional issues, and having angry outbursts. They may also operate from a fear of abandonment, which can lead to controlling behaviors, emotional manipulation, jealousy, and infidelity as a way of regaining a sense of control.
Impact on Relationships
The relationship with a caregiver is the first interaction that a child has with another human, which is why it can have such a huge impact on how an adult forms relationships later in life. Problems can appear in many different kinds of relationships, such as:
Romantic Relationships
There are a number of ways that an unhealthy mother relationship can negatively affect romantic relationships, including:
- Expectations that the romantic partner will fulfill the role of the mother. This can take the form of expecting that a partner will perform traditionally feminine chores, such as cooking, cleaning, and running the household.
- Competition or animosity between the mother and romantic partner. If a mother with an unhealthy relationship with her son is still an active person in his life, this could create problems with a romantic partner.
- Loss of romantic feelings towards a partner after having kids. Many relationships go through a period of change after kids, but a man with mommy issues may struggle to see his partner as sexy after she becomes a mother herself.
- Unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with fear of abandonment and low self-esteem. Fear can lead people to do some hurtful things, including reliance on abusive tactics such as being emotionally distant, untrusting, controlling, clingy, and critical.
- Inability to take accountability. In some cases, an overbearing parent can prevent a child from learning accountability. If mom has been there to fight all of his battles in childhood, as an adult, he may struggle to apologize or admit when he’s wrong.
Friendships and Professional Interactions
We talk most often about how mommy issues impact romantic relationships. But the truth is, they can affect friendships and work relationships as well. Here are a few examples:
- Entitled behavior. Someone who had an overly doting mother may act entitled with friends or in the workplace.
- Inability to admit wrongdoing. As in romantic relationships, the inability to take accountability can be detrimental to someone’s professional and social life.
- Approval-seeking. Men with mommy issues can sometimes become people-pleasers. This often is an asset early in someone’s career or in making friends, but can lead to resentment and burnout over time.
- Unwillingness to work as a team player. Fear of rejection or an inflated sense of self may make someone with this background unwilling to trust team members on collaborative projects.
Documented Examples and Case Studies
Even though mommy issues tend to be mocked in popular culture, the phenomenon is a very real problem for many men. Here are a few real-world examples:
Real-Life Scenarios
The online forum, Reddit, has quite a lot to say on the subject of mommy issues! For instance, the question posed in the r/INFJ subreddit, “Anyone else has mommy issues?” elicited responses such as:
- “I watched my [male friend with mommy issues] basically grow up without having any sort of assured safety. So he doesn’t really ‘settle in’ anywhere….He recently told me he didn’t think he’d be a good father. That he has no real parental instincts and wouldn’t know how to make the sort of decisions one must make for their child.”
- “My mom has severe OCD, is an alcoholic…and she is still a helicopter despite me being almost 27…the result of this mess: I have narcissistic tendencies, anxiety, depression (this one came later), would push forward without any worries, started growing up mentally and emotionally when I was over 21 (in things that people do when they’re teens), compulsive liar (mostly to use as a shield and not a sword or a bow) and ruined the person I love mentally and emotionally.”
There is even more insight from online forums like this one as men with mommy issues come to terms with the impact of their unstable childhood. Many report struggling with receiving or showing love, trusting friends and romantic partners, and building their own emotional confidence.
Celebrity Examples
When it comes to mommy issues, celebrities really are just like us! In fact, there are a few well-documented cases of this unhealthy relationship style.
One example is the complicated relationship between Matthew McConaughey and his mother Kay. Although the two have a good relationship now, the actor admits that there were times when he couldn’t share private details of his life with her because she would pass them along to the tabloids. Later on, when he began a relationship with his now wife, Camila Alves McConaughey, Camila admitted that she butted heads with her mother-in-law from the start. According to her, she felt that she was being “tested” by Kay and had to move beyond her mother-in-law’s “antics” in order to have a good relationship with her. Luckily, the couple’s bond was able to overcome the threat of mommy issues.
A perhaps more famous example would be that of Elvis Presley and his mother, Gladys. His close relationship with his mother was well-known, but his wife, Priscilla, admitted that it might have been borderline unhealthy. In her opinion, her marriage to the star became strained after she became a mother herself, something that, she thought, made her less attractive in his eyes. There were other red flags, such as the fact that Elvis shared a bed with his mother long after childhood and had a tendency to expect his girlfriends to live up to his mother’s standards.
Research and Statistics
Perhaps because of the name, some people have dismissed mommy issues as a made-up condition. However, there is research behind the phenomenon!
Attachment Theory
One of the leading theories dealing with early childhood relationships is Attachment Theory. This framework of psychology posits that the attachments we form early in life have a profound impact on how we move through the world after childhood. In particular, we are likely to develop attachments in one of four ways:
- Secure. This is the baseline healthy form of attachment that comes from stable, encouraging, and trusting parents. People with this attachment style are able to maintain the right balance of independence and connection in adult relationships without anxiety, fear, or avoidance. According to the original study on attachment theory by Hazan and Shaver, only a little more than half of the population has a secure attachment style.
- Anxious. Anxiously attached individuals, resulting from overbearing parenting styles, operate from a fear of rejection and abandonment. They may seek out an unhealthy level of interdependence in a relationship that makes their partner feel smothered.
- Avoidant. Avoidant attachment is characterized by an inability or unwillingness to connect emotionally with others. This may come from a belief that their partner will not be able to care for them, because their early life experiences taught them that people are untrustworthy and uncaring.
- Disorganized. This is the rarest type of attachment style and causes a person to swing from anxious to avoidant somewhat unexpectedly. Someone with this attachment style may have an intense desire to be loved but not willing to pursue a romantic relationship.
Statistics on Mother-Child Relationships
Pew Research has published some interesting statistics that may give us even more insight into common parent-child dynamics.
They found, for instance, that young adults in their 20s continue to look to their parents for advice, emotional support, and help with decision-making. But, this tendency typically tapers off as they get older. What this suggests is that when a person is able to mature and build their own self-sufficiency, they are likely to go through a natural distancing from their parents.
Another interesting finding was the tendency of parents to rely on their children for emotional support. In particular, 25% of young men reported that their mothers relied on them for emotional support a great deal. This, of course, doesn’t mean that there is necessarily an unhealthy relationship between these men and their mothers. However, it does show that there is a significant portion of the population that may be taking on a role of emotional intimacy with their mothers.
Addressing Mommy Issues
The dating world may become a better place if we can understand and validate the very real problem of unhealthy caregiver and son relationships. But, it’s also important to talk about possible solutions, such as:
Therapy
Therapy can be a powerful tool in changing old patterns learned in childhood. Some of the most successful therapy styles for parent-child relationship issues include:
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy. This is a clinically-tested therapy modality that involves observing the connections between our core beliefs (i.e. lessons we learned as children) and our everyday behaviors. By noticing, analyzing, and making small changes to these core beliefs and reactions, CBT allows us to interrupt and replace old patterns with healthier alternatives.
- Attachment-based therapy. Attachment-based therapy is another form of talk therapy that can be very helpful for anyone whose early life experiences resulted in an insecure attachment style. In this therapy modality, the client will be able to explore where their insecurities originated and make a plan to react differently when negatively triggered.
Developing Healthy Relational Patterns
Talking through childhood memories and traumas can be an important first step in healing from mommy issues. But, therapy should also encourage men to actively create and maintain healthier relationships in adulthood. Progress in this area could include:
- Learning to identify, set, and respect healthy boundaries with family members, romantic partners, friends, colleagues, and employers
- Creating a fulfilling independent life filled with hobbies and interests
- Practicing saying no when necessary to interrupt people-pleasing tendencies
- Being able to understand and respectfully express emotions, including fears and doubts in a relationship
These steps will lead to a more self-sufficient, self-aware, and independent lifestyle for higher satisfaction and more fulfilling relationships!
Conclusion
Although it’s been mocked, dismissed, and misunderstood for many years, it’s finally time for us to reckon with mommy issues! In this article, we’ve talked about identifying the patterns of mommy issues in men, recognizing where these early childhood issues originate and what men can do to heal in adulthood.
With professional help, patience, and willingness, men can absolutely overcome mommy issues in order to live a happier, healthier life!