Given the risk of messiness, emotional turmoil, and even legal issues, many people would never dream of having a secret relationship. Yet, these types of affairs happen all the time! So, there must be something about them that makes them worth the risk.
In this article, we’re going to talk about why secret relationships are so common, their potential impact, and even how to safely pursue one, yourself.
The Appeal of Secret Relationships
Why People Enter Secret Relationships
To start us off, let’s think about why some people might be drawn to this type of relationship. While everyone may have their own reasons for sparking a forbidden romance, here are some of the more common ones:
Workplace relationships. Dating someone at the workplace is one of the most common ways that secret relationships blossom. After all, many workplace policies forbid employee romances, even though the conditions are ideal for building romantic connections!
Cultural or familial boundaries. Many cultures put a lot of pressure on young people to get married early, and may even arrange marriages in order to make the process more practical. But, this can lead to unfulfillment in the marriage or unwillingness to share budding romances.
Work travel. Anyone who travels for work may suffer from loneliness or isolation that they soothe by seeking a connection with a partner. This may be someone they work with or meet while on the road.
Unmet emotional needs. Someone with unresolved emotional pain may be more likely to look for distraction or comfort outside of their marriage or main relationship. Because of the stigma around mental health, they may not feel comfortable revealing their struggles, preferring instead to enjoy the company of someone new.
The Excitement and Thrill
No matter the reason for entering hidden relationships, there’s no doubt that they are intoxicating for the people involved. There are a few reasons for this, including:
The psychological process of falling for someone. Any time that we pursue an intimate connection with a new partner, our brains become a soup of feel-good chemicals, from oxytocin to dopamine to cortisol (because even stress can be motivating, sometimes!). At the same time, the brain is so overwhelmed with these high-octane chemicals that other neural pathways are shut down—you know, like the ones that are responsible for fear, judgment, and logical thinking.
The self-confidence boost. Anyone who feels stagnant or self-critical within their existing relationship or life, in general, may enjoy the boost that comes with being accepted by a new partner.
The sense of adventure. Many humans are drawn to novel experiences, and may not be getting the thrill of adventure in their daily lives. A new romantic interest can feel like the first time getting on a plane or standing in line for a roller coaster.
The risk of being found out. Some people enjoy the challenges that come with keeping a relationship hush-hush. Because while the juggling of separate lives may be stressful, there is a satisfaction that comes with successful secret-keeping.
The Challenges of Maintaining Secrecy
Strategies for Keeping a Relationship Secret
Whether your company has a strict no-dating-coworkers policy or you have another reason for keeping your relationship on the down low, here are a few ways to protect your relationship from prying eyes:
Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. Dating someone secretly who wants a public relationship will not end well. So, you first need to establish that you’re both consenting to a private relationship.
Talk about how you’ll interact if you cross paths in public. Will you ignore each other? Introduce yourself to one another? Or, if you’re working within the same company, how will you plan on maintaining professionalism when you cross paths?
Set up guidelines for how to communicate between dates. Many relationships are found out because of notifications popping up on the cell lock screen, email snooping, or mysteriously late phone calls. So, talk to your partner about how best to communicate.
Always meet in a neutral location. This will lower the risk of being found out by friends or coworkers.
Keep the PDA to a minimum. Even if you’re not in your usual part of town, it’s always best to keep the affection out of the public eye. Remember that with all those judgment-altering brain chemicals swimming around, you may think you’re being sneaky when you really aren’t.
Psychological and Emotional Impact
The logistical part of a secret relationship is, in many ways, the easy part. Much more difficult to weather will be the psychological and emotional storm that can come with hidden romances.
For one thing, keeping secrets, studies show, can be emotionally taxing. On the one hand, this is because keeping track of the details and logistics of the secret relationship requires a lot of brain power.
But, it goes deeper than that. In fact, the more we think about the secrets we keep, the more likely we are to experience negative responses, such as shame, guilt, low self-esteem, inauthenticity, isolation, unease, and uncertainty. This has more to do with how we see ourselves than the logistical stress of secret-keeping. And, these feelings are intensified when we feel cut off from our social support system because of the nature of the secret. In other words, someone in a secret relationship may not be able to rely on the person who would make them feel better because confiding in them would risk bringing the secret to light.
Case Study: Fani Willis
Workplace relationships can get messy pretty quickly, and one recent public example was that of Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis and special prosecutor Nathan Wade. The two worked together on a case brought against former president Donald Trump, but kept their relationship a secret until it was brought to light by a lawyer representing a former Trump campaign staffer.
The back-and-forth that ensued dragged out the legal proceedings significantly, forced Willis to take the stand, and ultimately resulted in Wade withdrawing from the case. Willis was allowed to remain on the case against Trump, but that ruling has been appealed by the former president’s legal team.
Overall, the relationship didn’t last, but the headache that it has caused for the District Attorney will continue to plague her, threatening her professional standing and reelection campaign.
Research and Statistics on Secret Relationships
Psychological Studies and Findings
It may not be surprising to learn that the studies on secret relationships show a negative impact on the mental health of the people involved in the romance. One study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, for instance, found that secret relationships can have both mental and physical effects.
On the one hand, the study found that partners involved in a secret romance are less likely to go through a normal process of cognitive interdependence. In other words, each member of the relationship will continue to think of themselves as a separate unit instead of building a partnership between the two of them. This may be a psychological technique to maintain a distance that allows for secrecy or be the result of less time spent together.
The secret nature of the relationship may also inhibit the progression of physical intimacy, the freedom to try new things, and other important aspects of relationship development. Together with the stress of keeping things quiet, the studies say, these types of relationships face significant barriers to long-term success.
Infidelity Statistics
Despite the odds against secret relationships lasting long-term, the statistics show that they continue to be common. Data published by TechReport in June 2024, for example, revealed that around 1 in 5 married men and 1 in 3 married women confess to having cheated on their spouse.
Many of these affairs, the findings reveal, start in the workplace. In fact, 30% of physical affairs and 60% of emotional affairs are believed to originate between coworkers.
The impact of these kinds of cheating statistics on marriage rates is telling. According to the data, over half—around 57% —of marriages end in divorce because of cheating.
The Impact on Self-Esteem and Health
As we’ve mentioned, keeping a secret as big as a hidden romance can take a toll on someone’s mental and physical well-being.
First of all, there’s the hit to self-esteem. Because, although there may be an initial confidence boost, the effect is often countered by feelings of shame and self-doubt. Indeed, 76% of people in the US believe that infidelity is morally unacceptable. And even if a secret relationship isn’t the result of adultery, there could be other reasons, such as professional integrity or conflicts of interest, that could make the relationship feel immoral and wrong.
The stress of keeping a secret can also have physiological drawbacks. Everything from disrupted sleep to thought rumination to adrenaline from close calls can negatively affect someone’s nervous system. Physiological manifestations of this increased level of stress can include headaches, pain, low energy, and mood fluctuations.
Real-Life Experiences and Personal Stories
Anonymous Accounts from Online Platforms
Many people who have had a secret relationship come out and don’t want to talk about it afterward. Others go to online forums like Reddit to share their experience and feel less alone.
One such user is @forensic_freak who wrote that they started dating their partner secretly so that people wouldn’t gossip about them at work. They had decided that they would prefer to keep the relationship secret at least while it was in the beginning phase so that they could more easily deal with a breakup if things didn’t work out. Instead, they fell in love, and people in the office found out on their own. They say of the experience, “Those first few months were exhilarating playing our games of espionage, stealing kisses in hallways, sharing longing glances in groups but being able to be friends when we’re not alone is amazing for us.”
Others, such as an anonymous user, have had a much different experience, describing the ordeal as, “it was more stressful than it was worth. Hard to conceal it and still be happy. No one wants to have to hide their feelings so it just ends up being worse for everyone involved.”
Celebrity Examples
Although it may seem impossible, keeping new relationships secret is a tactic that many celebrities rely on. This allows them to enjoy and navigate the early days of a relationship without the pressure of the public eye on them.
That being said, it doesn’t always go to plan. Body-builder-turned-actor-turned-California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is a good example of when secret relationships do more harm than good. After all, while the celebrity was busy with his career, marriage, and family of four, he was also holding onto the secret of an illegitimate son that he fathered with his housekeeper just weeks after the birth of his first child with wife Maria Shriver. When the affair came to light, it ended Schwarzenegger’s marriage and negatively affected his public image.
Other times, mere rumors of a secret relationship can be enough to rock a celebrity’s public image. K-pop star Kim Chaewon, for instance, was wrapped up in a fan debate about the possibility of her hiding a romance. But, after much-heated discussion, it was revealed that all images of her with this mystery man were digitally altered.
Popular Culture Depictions
Our society loves the idea of hidden romances, love triangles, and other non-conventional relationships. Just take the example of Joey Essex on Love Island! All eyes were on him during this most recent season of the reality show as he arrived single, and then made his way through four separate relationships over the course of 47 days, only to be dumped the day before the finale.
Along the way, his scheming, secrecy, and game-playing were on full display, bringing a new level of intrigue and drama to the show!
Steps to Be in a Secret Relationship
If you’re looking to enter into a secret relationship, there are a few guidelines you should follow for the best chances of success!
Setting Clear Boundaries
As we mentioned earlier, it’s incredibly important that both parties are in agreement that the relationship should be secret. That will make it easier to set boundaries, such as how to communicate, when to show affection, whether to tell close friends, etc.
Maintaining Discretion in Communication
Communication can be a major vulnerability in a secret relationship, so you’ll want to take the following precautions:
Set boundaries about when you’ll be available to talk
Consider using private messaging apps
Turn off your lock screen message notifications
Don’t give yourself away on social media, even with a private account
Be strict about not mentioning the relationship to anyone outside of the trusted circle
Navigating Public Interactions
Public interactions will need to be extremely limited when in a secret relationship. Affection, such as hand-holding, kissing, and even gazing or close proximity should be avoided.
It’s also a good idea to have a plan in place for if you happen to run into each other unexpectedly.
Balancing Emotional Needs
Earlier, we talked about the barriers to emotional intimacy that can come with secret relationships. In order to overcome them, you and your partner may need to put more effort into developing an emotional bond.
Regular check-ins about how the other person is doing, discussions about the challenge of secrecy, and other open conversations will help both of you feel more connected and supported.
Managing Stress and Anxiety
In order to avoid the mental and emotional toll of stress that comes with a secret relationship, you and your partner will need appropriate outlets. This may be therapy, exercise, a trusted confidant, meditation, or hobbies that can allow the brain to rest and recharge instead of being in a constant state of anxiety.
Opinions and Expert Analysis
Expert Opinions
Although there are a few benefits of secret relationships, such as excitement and adventure, most experts agree that this is not an overall healthy form of relationship-building.
As pointed out in Psychology Today, hidden relationships are put under enormous strain because of the need for deception and isolation from support systems. And, no expert would support a relationship that leaves someone feeling fearful, nervous, doubtful, or with low self-esteem.
The expert advice? If you have to be in a secret relationship, make sure it’s temporary or that you have a very strong sense of self.
Consequences of Relationship Concealment
Anyone entering into a secret relationship should be aware of some of the risks and consequences associated with the hidden romance and fallout if the romance is revealed, such as:
Difficulty of forming an emotional bond with the partner.
Psychological impacts.
Lower commitment in the relationship.
Strained relationships with friends and colleagues.
Public Perception and Ethical Considerations.
There are many different reasons for someone to enter into a secret relationship. But it’s worth considering whether your reasons align with your personal goals, morals, or lifestyle. For instance, you might ask the following ethical and personal questions, such as:
Why is secrecy necessary in this relationship?
Am I willing to accept the outcome if my relationship comes to light?
Who is being harmed because of the secrecy?
What impact may this secret relationship have on my career? My friendships? My family?
Is there an end date for the secrecy on the horizon?
How will others see me if the relationship comes to light, and am I willing to accept that reality?
Conclusion
In this article, we’ve pulled back the curtain on secret relationships, talking about why they happen, how common they are, and what they mean for the relationship and the individuals involved. While many experts and studies have shown that secret relationships are often strained and short-lived, there is no denying that they continue to be necessary and appealing to many people.
If you find yourself in a hidden romance or heading towards one, take time to carefully weigh the pros and cons so that you can best take care of yourself!