Being in the position of trying to figure out how to choose between two guys is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, you’ve gotten lucky enough to build a connection with two wonderful men who could potentially be your perfect match. On the other hand, you may wonder how to make the right decision so that you don’t end up with any regrets.
Your life right now might feel like an emotional roller coaster. So, let’s get you back on solid ground with a structured decision-making process. Use these 10 effective tips to decide where your heart is really leading you!
Tip One: Make sure that you’ve had enough time to really get to know each of them
If you’ve only been on a few dates with each of the men who are vying for your attention, it’s not really enough time to know how you feel about them. In fact, your rational brain might be clouded by the falling-in-love endorphins!
Don’t feel pressured to make a decision before you’ve had enough time to know them in a variety of contexts and moods. This could take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.
Tip Two: Ask yourself who is better aligned with your future goals
As you go through the process of choosing between two men, consider your own future goals. Do you want a steady, exclusive relationship? Are you looking for something fun and casual? Or, are you ready to get married and start a family? No matter what your future goals are, make sure they’re as clear as possible. This will allow you to consider which of the men you’re seeing is more aligned with what you’re looking for.
Tip Three: Carefully consider red flags
In the thrilling phase of a new relationship, it’s so easy to overlook or downplay potential red flags. But, it’s always a good idea to consciously take your blinders off and consider whether there are elements of your relationship that could spell out trouble. Here are a few common ones:
- Love bombing. Love bombing is a conscious or unconscious tactic of showering you with compliments, gifts, and grandiose promises that make you fall in love quickly. In a healthy relationship, falling in love takes time, and rushing the process could be a sign of emotional manipulation.
- Sporadic communication. Do one of the men in your life consistently leave you “on read” without an explanation? We all get busy, but if you see a pattern of unpredictable and spotty communication, take it as a red flag.
- Unpredictable mood. Someone with a hairpin trigger will make you feel like you have to watch what you say or do in order to not make them angry. If he has an unpredictable mood (and isn’t actively working on changing it), consider whether the emotional stress is worth it.
- Lying (yes, even white lies). If you catch one of the men you’re dating lying, consider slamming on the brakes now. Even small lies in order to save face or avoid hurting someone’s feelings are a sign that honesty is not a core value for him.
- Pressuring physical intimacy. You should never feel pressured into a physical relationship with someone, period.
- Being late. We all show up late every once in a while. But if he’s consistently showing up after your agreed-upon time, it’s a pattern that shows a lack of planning and respect.
- Negging. Negging is a practice of offering compliments couched in negative comments. For example, if one of the men you’re dating says things like, “You’re a good driver for a woman” or “I’m surprised to see someone so beautiful working in your field,” ask yourself whether they really value you or are trying to knock you down a peg.
Taking the time to notice these red flags will make deciding how to choose between two guys much easier! You deserve to end up with the man who doesn’t put you through the emotional ringer!
Tip Four: Observe them in a stressful situation
Another benefit of not rushing into a decision is that you’ll have more opportunities to see your partner in different contexts. And an important one is when things get stressful. Pay close attention to how you date acts in the following scenarios:
- Traveling together. Whether it’s a short weekend trip or an international vacation, traveling always comes with at least a little bit of stress. How does this person deal with it? Do they get cranky? Or are they cool and collected?
- When their order is wrong at a restaurant. This will show you a lot about a person’s character. How do they treat the waitstaff, for example? Are they patient? Or do they become harsh until the problem has been corrected to their liking?
- When meeting each other’s friends. When he introduces you to his friends, how does the interaction go? Does he do a good job of including you in his social network? Or do you feel pressure from him to impress his friends? Likewise, how does he act when he meets your friends?
- Everyday challenges with your or their pet. Pets are such a great litmus test for how someone deals with stress. After all, your cat might need to go to the vet. The dog may accidentally get the carpet muddy. No matter what the issue is, how your partner deals with it or supports you as you deal with it matters!
- Car troubles or road rage. From flat tires to traffic jams, seeing how a man deals with car-related stress can tell you a lot about what your life together might be like!
- Accidents like spilled wine. Everyone messes up sometimes, and you deserve a partner who rolls with the punches with grace and understanding. We’re not saying you should purposefully spill wine! But, the more time you spend together, little accidents are inevitably going to pop up.
- At a concert. Concerts can also be good places to gauge how a potential partner will step up for you! Do they make sure to keep tabs on you? Do they treat others respectfully? These small gestures can show you that this person is reliable and considerate!
Of course, there are many, many instances in everyday life when things get stressful or out-of-whack. So, even if you don’t happen to experience something on this list, keep your eyes peeled for other examples of how your partner responds to life’s challenges!
Tip Five: Think about who is easier to disagree with
Sure, you don’t want to think about fighting with your significant other. But sooner or later, the two of you will disagree on something. It might be something as small as the best way to fry an egg. Or, it will be about something more serious, like child-rearing or politics.
Now, different opinions aren’t necessarily a reason to end things with someone! Instead, you want to pay close attention to how you disagree. Does this person give you the respect of hearing your perspective without interruptions? Do they validate your opinions? Do they discuss things with you maturely and calmly?
In life, there’s no way that you’re going to agree on everything. So consider who of your two options you’d rather have a disagreement with.
Tip Six: Ask yourself who you would add as an emergency contact
If you’re looking for a casual relationship, it’s not going to be completely necessary to choose a partner who will drop everything and come to your side in an emergency. But, if you’re looking for something more committed or long-term, this is an important question.
Tip Seven: Spend time with their friends
Again, this will be more relevant if you’re looking for a long-term partner. Because, if you’re in this for a committed relationship, you’ll inevitably spend time with their friends and family. And while it’s not a dealbreaker for you to get along with them, things will be much easier if you do.
There’s another reason to pay attention to your significant other’s social network too: it can say a lot about their own character. If, for example, your man is surrounded by emotionally intelligent, mature, and kind people, you’ll know that those are the ones who are going to guide him and inspire him. If, on the other hand, you don’t trust his friends, it’s not a great reflection of his character.
Tip Eight: Choose your cheerleader
You may be spending time with two men who make you feel good, but which one is the better cheerleader for you? Here are a few ways to know that a man is going to support and inspire you throughout your relationship:
- He makes an effort to really understand your hobbies or what you do for a living. It seems like a small detail, but it says a lot about a man if he asks more specific questions than simply, “So what do you do?” If you’re a teacher, for instance, he’ll ask what inspired you to go into that field, who your favorite students are, and how you get along with other staff members.
- He remembers important dates. Whether it’s an upcoming 10k that you’re running, a doctor’s appointment you’ve been stressed about, or a big work meeting, he’ll remember these important life events.
- He asks follow-up questions. Not only will he remember important things happening in your life, but he’ll also make it a point to follow up with you after to see how things went.
- He’s blown away by your accomplishments. The man who is your biggest supporter will make you feel like you are the most talented at-home chef, best party planner, most successful professional in your field, and world’s greatest joke teller. Truly, no matter what you do, the man who is more quick to compliment you on your talents, hobbies, and accomplishments is the one who deserves a chance!
Tip Nine: Take your own emotional temperature
Even though things like future planning, reliability, and how he performs under stress are important factors, the most important factor is how he makes you feel. Sometimes, when you’re caught up with more than one lovely partner, it can be hard to know which one makes you feel better. So here are a few questions to get at the heart of who really has your heart:
- When your phone buzzes, who do you hope is sending you a message?
- When you’re with each partner, who do you spend less time on your phone with?
- Which partner makes you feel like you can be 100% yourself?
- When you’re daydreaming, whose face pops into your mind most often?
- Who do you talk about most often (in a positive way) to your friends?
- Which one makes you feel like your best version of yourself?
- Which partner makes you feel comfortable trying new things with them?
- Which partner makes you smile more?
- Which partner makes you feel most relaxed?
- Which partner is the best one to get a good night’s sleep with?
You deserve to be with the person who makes you feel happy, relaxed, confident, and giddy.
Tip Ten: Flip a coin
Okay, stick with us for just a moment. We’re not actually telling you to leave your fate up to a coin toss. But, if, after considering everything we’ve covered so far, you’re still unclear about who is the better match, a coin flip could be just the psychological trick you need.
Here’s why: Have you ever flipped a coin only to know exactly what your desired outcome is as soon as the coin is in the air? Sometimes, all it takes is the imagined finality of a coin toss to realize who you’ve really been rooting for this whole time. So, assign heads or tails, toss that coin in the air, and then listen to the little voice in your head that said, I hope it’s _____.
You’ve got some thinking to do!
Choosing between two men is a tough position to be in. But, the best thing you can do is come to a decision that you can be happy with. That way, you’ll be able to move forward without regret and fully focus on your relationship. You’ll also free up the man you didn’t choose to find his perfect match!
No matter what you decide, remember to take the time you need, don’t put anyone’s feelings above your own, and listen to that inner voice! After all, self-reflection is the best way to figure out how to choose between two guys. Good luck!