Although many people think of sugaring as emotionless and transactional, the truth is that it’s essential to practice emotional intelligence in dating! This important skill is what will help you connect with new partners, find common ground during the negotiation phase, and maintain satisfying relationships.
That being said, emotional intelligence doesn’t come naturally to everyone! So, in this article, we’re going to talk about how to boost your empathy and use it to your advantage in your sugar relationships. If you can work on this aspect of your dating life, you’ll see improvements right away!
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence, or sometimes called emotional quotient, is the way that you interact with the world from an emotional standpoint. In other words, it’s how you handle and process your own emotions as well as the way that you perceive and react to the emotions of others.
Let’s start by taking a closer look at the personal. Someone with high emotional intelligence will be able to tune into their emotional state easily. They know how they’re feeling and why, and they have tools for managing unpleasant emotions. As such, they can rely on themselves alone to emotionally self-regulate.
Now, how about in interactions with others? Someone who is emotionally intelligent will be able to read how others are feeling and empathize with their emotions. You can probably think of someone in your life who seems to always know when you’re down and offer a listening ear to help you through it.
How can emotional intelligence help your sugar relationships?
Even though we like to think of ourselves as rational and logical, the truth is, we humans are emotional! And it’s no surprise that emotional intelligence has become an important topic in the business world as well as the medical field, psychology, education and more. After all, how we feel and form relationships with others has a huge impact on everything from productivity to health to learning to personal satisfaction.
So, what does all of this have to do with sugaring? There are a few key ways that having a high emotional intelligence can make your sugar dating practice more successful:
- First impressions. People with high intelligence have no problem striking up a conversation and connecting with a stranger right away. And you can see why this would be so beneficial in sugaring! If you can make a good first impression, you’ll have more options for dating—it’s as simple as that.
- Amicable negotiations. The negotiation process can be quite difficult for many people, but coming to it with empathy and understanding can be a benefit. Emotional intelligence will allow you to anticipate what the other person might want and find a middle ground that works for the both of you.
- Faster relationship-building process. Just like traditional relationships, sugar partnerships take time to build trust and ease. But, this process tends to be faster when one or both partners have high emotional intelligence.
- Conflict management. Conflicts or disagreements are normal in all kinds of relationships, but emotional intelligence can make it much easier to solve problems respectfully and quickly.
- Relationship break-ups. Not every sugar partnership will last forever, but emotional intelligence can help make these endings as smooth as possible.
Examples of emotional intelligence in sugar relationships
If you are wondering how emotional intelligence plays out in sugar relationships, here are a few case studies to give you a better picture:
The getting-to-know-you phase
Brian has been getting to know Linda on a sugar dating website for the past week. He’s frustrated because she’s not responding actively or enthusiastically to his messages, giving him the impression that she’s not interested. But, instead of ending the conversation without warning or getting angry with her, he takes a more emotionally intelligent approach by saying, “Hi Linda, I’ve really been enjoying getting to know you. But I’m getting the impression that maybe you’re not that interested in keeping the conversation going. If you don’t feel that there’s a connection here, that’s perfectly fine! Let me know so that we can both try again with other people.”
Because his response was so thoughtful, Linda responded back right away by saying, “Brian, I’m so sorry I gave you that impression. I am also very interested in getting to know you. I’m just not great at connecting with someone over text. Would you want to meet up in person sometime this week?”
Talking through the terms of the relationship
Bobbie is ready to talk to her sugar daddy about the terms of their relationship, but she’s worried that he’s going to say no to her request that he pay for her personal trainer. One of her very rational friends told her to simply demand it and not give a reason. But, instead, she went with a more emotional route by saying, “I’m excited to start spending more time with you, and I want to make sure that I show up to every date feeling and looking my best. And exercise is an important part of that. So, I’d like to include my personal training as part of the terms. Or, another option would be to increase my allowance to cover the cost.”
Deepening emotional intimacy
Steven and Sam have been in a sugar relationship for a couple of months and are starting to get into a comfortable routine of dates, weekly phone calls, and texting. But Steven is hoping that they could eventually move beyond their surface level conversations to talk about some more emotional topics. The times that he has tried to bring up his feelings in the past, Sam had responded somewhat neutrally, leaving Steven to feel unsupported or shut down. After some reflection, Steven reaches out to Sam to share his thoughts, saying, “I think this relationship has a lot of potential, but I’m also looking for a partner that I can open up to and talk about certain things that I can’t talk with my friends or colleagues about. Would you be open to that?”
Unfortunately, Sam isn’t on board with taking the relationship into a more emotional place. And while it was difficult for Steven to break things off, he has been able to find a different sugar partner open to fostering an emotional connection.
Dealing with conflict
Jay has been waiting for his sugar baby to arrive for their scheduled date for 20 minutes, and he’s feeling more and more annoyed every time the waiter asks him if he’d like more water. He recognizes that he’s taking it personally, so he tries to take a few deep breaths and think about what might be the reason for his date’s tardiness. Maybe his sugar baby was stuck in traffic. Maybe she got into a fender bender. Maybe she showed up to the wrong restaurant. This thought exercise allows him to calm down enough to call her to see what’s going on.
Jay’s sugar baby answers right away, and sounds confused when he asks her when she’ll be arriving. “Our date is scheduled for tomorrow!” she says, “I can see it right here in our shared calendar.”
Jay feels instantly embarrassed and relieved to learn that he has gotten the day wrong. But more than that, he’s grateful that he had been able to get his own emotions under control before calling her. It was a good reminder that he should continue to interrupt himself when he was starting to take things personally so that he can confront potential conflicts calmly.
Steps you can take to boost your empathy
Maybe you don’t consider yourself a naturally empathic person. The good news is, that emotional intelligence in dating is something that you can learn and practice! Here are a few ways to get started:
- Learn about active listening. Active listening is a set of skills that can help you connect with someone on a subconscious level. This includes nonverbal forms of communication such as eye contact, nodding, and body stance mirroring. And, there are verbal cues that you can use to show that you’re listening, such as repeating back certain phrases (“I never knew that you experienced XYZ”) or asking for clarification (“Let me know if I’m understanding this right…”)
- Listen to absorb, not to respond. A good conversation goes back and forth naturally, but this can also put us into a habit of thinking about what we’re going to say next instead of listening to what the other person is sharing. It’s okay if there are some pauses in your conversation as you absorb what they’ve said to you, but if it makes you uncomfortable, you might say something like, “That’s interesting” or “I’m so glad you shared your perspective with me.”
- Put yourself in their shoes. It’s a cliche, but this is a practice that can help you build empathy. Really imagine what the world looks like from the other person’s perspective. And ask yourself how you would feel in their position.
- Notice when you’re making assumptions. We all have biases that we bring into our relationships, and noticing them can be a vulnerable and difficult process. But it’s one that can go a long way towards building empathy.
- Validate other people's experiences and opinions. You may not fully understand or agree with someone’s point of view, but emotional intelligence is the ability to accept and support someone as they are. This means holding judgment or criticism when people open up to you.
If you want another trick to boost your empathy, start reading! Studies have shown that reading fiction, specifically works of fiction that cause you to feel fully immersed in the text, can positively influence your empathy levels. That’s because it puts you into the mind of the narrator, a perspective that is distinct from your own.
Is too much emotional connection a bad thing?
Clearly, having a high emotional intelligence can be beneficial to your sugar relationships. But you might be wondering whether it’s possible to stray too far from your rational thinking.
And, the answer is yes. If you’re not careful, bad-intentioned partners can try to use your emotional maturity to take advantage of you.
So, you’ll want to strike the right balance between operating from a place of emotional awareness and staying level-headed enough to make sure you’re not being manipulated. Here are a few tips for finding your happy medium:
- Be clear about your goals within the sugar relationship. Emotional intelligence is not about giving up your personal goals in order to avoid conflict or build a connection. Instead, it’s about tapping into what your personal goals are and being comfortable stating them clearly and neutrally with a partner. Remember that if someone can’t give you what you need in a relationship, you don’t have to take it poorly or try to convince them to change. Instead, focus your efforts on finding someone else who is a better fit.
- Notice signs of emotional manipulation. Just because you are in touch with your emotions doesn’t mean that you have to be the peacemaker for someone who isn’t. Someone who can’t control their own emotions, can’t empathize with you, or engages in other forms of emotional manipulation isn’t worth your time.
- Practice cost-benefit analysis. One of the great things about emotional intelligence is that it can actually allow you to distance yourself from your emotions in order to look at a scenario rationally! This can help you decide whether the emotional labor you’re putting into a sugar relationship is worth the practical or emotional benefits you’re getting in return. If not, it’s time to walk away.
Will you incorporate emotional intelligence in dating?
In this article, we’ve talked about what emotional intelligence is, how it can benefit your sugaring practice, and practical steps towards building your empathy. So, what are your thoughts? Will you try to boost your emotional intelligence when dating in the future?